I'm Finally "Cured" But The Past During and Prior to SSRIs scares me

[OniGouf]

I have been off of SSRIs for the past 2 or three years now and I have a degree of mental clarity I've never actually had before in my life. I've been interested in the realm of really difficult to attain nootropics, so I decided to purchase Piracetam, Noopept, and Phenylpiracetam, which have helped me remove some of the difficulties I associate with during the time when I was on my antidepressants. Like most people on this site, I have had an overwhelmingly negative experience with a plethora of different SSRIs prescribed to me, and me personally, I see it scarily too "coincidental" for certain behaviors and actions "I" have done. I do not want to absolve myself of responsibility of actions, I do not want to seek out special treatment, I do not want to be seen as someone seeking to put the blame on someone else for the way how things are, but the more I think about the time I was on these drugs, the more I begin to see them responsible for cultivating a certain environment that's really hard to describe.


For starters, I do not think any of the three nootropics are this magical elixir that can remediate any potential cognitive or psychiatric problem. I have spent time journaling, exercising, consuming healthier foods, and always being mindful about what I put in my body beforehand. I've lost my appetite for fast-food and I have started learning how to cook more(albeit with great difficulty, seeing how very expensive it is to obtain groceries in this economic climate), but there is a certain nexus of my life that I've noticed while I was journaling to myself, and it is now no longer apart of my being. It's extremely, extremely, extremely hard to explain, and I fear if I were to go see a psychiatrist or doctor, I'm just going to be treated like a criminal, and all the effort I put to get out of so many precarious quandaries will all be in vain. I've been physically assaulted before, I've had people threatening to come to my house and kill my family just to get money out of me, I've had to escape from places where most likely I could've been grievously harmed, and I've had to deal with the extreme mental weight that everything I have done to make everything better will be for naught. I do not want to harm anyone, I just want to be left alone and be immersed in my hobbies, but I'm finding myself really holding a certain amount of contempt for the medical industry due to the constant flood of memories that are returning to me. I am currently struggling with an addiction that will not be specified, mainly for the sake of my own privacy and safety, but there is something "off" about my life I have noticed while I was journaling.




I really want to see a professional and I'd liked to be given access to one that will take me seriously. I do not want to be treated as if I were some delirious individual, believed to be just another hypochondriac suffering from a mental disorder. But I'm far too scared to really talk about my experiences, as I hold a great fear surrounding my experiences within the psychiatric/medical industries. I don't want to be back in the same places I was in 3 years ago and further back, I want to be actually happy and surrounded in safety, but it's going to be hard having to come forward to any professional about this, due to the fact I'm afraid they'll see me just wasting their time and report me to the same psychiatric institutions again and again. Every day I wake up, I think about what-if certain things weren't done and what new levels of low could've been achieved. The more I spend time thinking really hard on the past before and during my time on my antidepressants, the more I'm beginning to think there's a level of malice suspiciousness on the way how certain things are. I am curious about experimenting with more nootropics as I've had a better experience with those substances compared to what's considered acceptable, but as of now, my living conditions have been an obstacle to that and I consider myself very fortunate right now.