PSSD: my case (rowhammer intro)

[rowhammer]

Hi everyone! I've put a considerable effort to filter my story from excessive swearing and emotional drama, so now it looks like that:

I'm 21y.o., male. My symptoms are persistent, and I've never been able to even temporarily relieve them. Those are:
- Almost complete genital numbness;
- Never had anything like "orgasm" in my life, nor any sexual pleasure to speak of;
- No ejaculation either - everything still leaks out as nocturnal emissions, which happened like every 2-3 months before, now I suspect their frequency is proportional to overall mental sexual stimuli in that period (That, however, remains unconfirmed);
- Erection is hard to get, and seems to be still related to my mental state - arousal and stress. However, it can persist indefinitely - I once had intercourse about 2 hours long, so it seems to be limited purely by mechanical factors (fatigue and any frictional damage that may occur).
- Sexual drive is easily summoned and does not go away after intercourse or masturbation. Instead, it always leads to a state that I can only describe as "wrong" - even before I've known what sex really is, and didn't know my state of things was so different from other people, I've felt a strong psychological discomfort, bordering panic, after trying to touch myself. Didn't stop me though. I've been blessed with absolute absence of sexual education, so before my 'first time', I've been blissfully ignorant about my state. When I've understood the situation, it became even worse. Feels like something inside me activated - my sexual drive seemed to scale itself to insane proportions, and my persistent failure to satisfy it was severely punished by my damned instincts. I began searching solutions. Experimenting, getting consultations everywhere I could reach in Eastern Europe and ping-ponging from "I don't know what this is" to "you're dreaming this up, get meds against depression". I suppose many people out here know what I mean.

So, I've took:
- 25mg hydroxyzine (atarax) for 6mo, when I was 14 y.o. Against panic attacks caused by chronic back pain (lumbalgia) and partial paralysis;
- 40mg fluoxetine (prozac) for a year, when I was 14 to 15 y.o. For hypersomnia (slept more than 80% of the day+night), same reasons as atarax; <= For me, it's the primary suspect to cause my condition. But it's hard to judge, since I started taking it right after puberty, and I didn't have time to monitor my condition - I was preoccupied with dealing with my back issues.
- 50mg trazodone (trittico) for 5mo when I was 19 y.o. Prescribed against depression, which my therapist at that time considered the cause of condition I described as PSSD;
- 150mg trazodone + 10mg aripiprazole for 5mo when I was 19 to 20 y.o. Prescribed againt a certain "syndrome" I've described by therapist that I found and who recognized the condition (althrough didn't agree that it was caused by SSRIs)
- 20mg ipidakrine (neuromidin) for 2mo when I was 20 y.o. Prescribed because I was suspecting nerve damage could be the reason behind genital numbness - didn't help;
- 75 mg venlafaxine + 10mg aripiprazole for 1mo when I was 20 y.o. Another prescription from that doctor. The final one though - I couldn't bear with the side effects, the worst of which, ironically, was the constant sleepiness due to blood pressure droping below normal.
- 25mg hydroxyzine + 100mg sertraline (zoloft) + 5mg olanzapine for 1mo when I was 21 y.o. Prescribed by another therapist, after several months of trying to convince myself that healing my condition isn't that important, and I can still live for myself and be happy. Well, this kinda proves I can't.
- 25mg hydroxyzine + 100mg sertraline (zoloft) + 50mg chlorprothixene for 9mo when I was 21 y.o. Same as above, just swapped out the olanzapine because of unhealthy weight gain from it. Will be off them in several months, I hope.

What I've checked (tl;dr - all's good):
- MRI, focusing on the spinal cord. Two neurologists both answered me it was intact (I've had a lot of suspicions, given my medical history).
- Testosterone hormonal test. Near-maximum of normal range.
- Countless urologic inspections, including prostate examination. Everything's okay, nothing wrong from the perspective of anatomy.
- Thyroid-stimulating hormone - normal range.
- MSCT of the pelvic organs. Organ dimensions are within normal ranges.
- Dopplerography of penis' blood vessels. Flow rates are within normal ranges.

What I did to relieve the gravity of the situation (and what I plan to keep doing, to stay alive and remotely happy):
1) Completely strip my observed environment from anything that may tempt me into having any sexualized thoughts. Essentially, I've made several life decisions to lock myself away from society as far as possible.
2) Occupy the mind with as much intellectual garbage as possible. Math, physics, hard video games, writing, just anything. Just to never stop thinking about higher-order abstractions, to always keep the mind busy with something else that copulation.
3) Having something that resembles a plan on getting out of this situation. Right now I plan to quit SSRIs (I mean, quit them *again*), and go over all the "safe" things people tried against PSSD (I found Ghost's website really helpful on that - and overall, his stuctured, scientific approach to our situation gave me a lot of hope that a cure could be found). Also I plan on making&sharing a spreadsheet to keep track of the things I've tried.

So, that's it. Needless to say, what I identify as PSSD is a horrible thing that turned my life into a desperate struggle for survival, and I damn well mean it, because the last time I said that, it ended in a spinal fusion for half of my vertebrae. I'll try to keep in touch, and I really appreciate any replies or messages. I may not answer them right away - please forgive me for that, I wouldn't be here if I permitted myself to think about PSSD outside of strictly regulated intervals of time.

[Librata]

Maybe you'll read this report on "Madinamerica". The report contains links to the "Havening" method and also to scientific explanations. When I saw the report, I remembered having read the book a few years ago. https://www.madinamerica.com/2024/11/a- ... -hospital/

"Havening" is about, among other things, certain self-touching to calm down the nervous system.

At the same time, I remembered having seen a TV report about India a few weeks ago. They showed a group of meditating children who, after meditation, made physical contact that is also done in "Havening": rubbing the palms of their hands and stroking the face. So it must activate certain neural pathways.

If I may say so, don't stress your brain/mind by trying not to think about PSSD. Maybe better, set certain times of the day when you deal with it with... reading, thinking, writing, etc.... at least half an hour a day. Swearing makes the situation worse. Try to adopt a neutral situation, as if you were thinking about what you want to cook. This needs training, lots of practice.

I'll write more later, but this is just a first hint.

[rowhammer]

Thank you for your advice and recommendation!
In some ways what you are proposing contradicts my current coping strategy, however I'll keep in mind what you said in case I'll decide to change it.
For me, I've decided I'm not going to experiment anymore with trying to convince myself about anything, or try any psychosomatic treatment. Maybe, it's just incompatible with my cultural and personal background, but it always creates a strange "dissociation" between controllable part of my mind and the un-controllable. In other words, it makes me stop trusting myself. What actually helps me is some form of "mind hygiene" - I'm taking notes on how much time I'm spending on certain topics, how they make me feel, and how much of it was actually necessary. For example, ideally, I've restricted myself to think about PSSD less than hour every second day.

[rowhammer]

As I've promised, I have made a public spreadsheet to keep track of drugs I tried (and my test results that may be related to the case). It's available here and in my signature. Right now I think I have completely excluded the hyperprolactinemia-related cases of PSSD, since I've took a test for prolactine levels and it came back even lower than expected (I've had some suspicions because several antipsychotic meds I've took could have raised it). Right now I am finally off depression meds & trying the "safer" herb supplements to exclude them from the list and proceed to more radical means of treatment.

Another thing I've noticed is that while I was forced to take sertraline, not only I've had the calmest months in my life because of, like, 25% of my normal sexual drive, but also I've had 0 nocturnal emissions (which came back immediately after stopping the drug). I certainly have more questions than answers on how this works. But at least now I've discovered a relatively safe "escape route" in case experimenting gets too much for me, again.

[Determined-Mind]

Lithium orotate helps many people here (for sexual function and mood stability).

Naltrexone can also help some people (especially after taking normal doses for several weeks and after stopping).

[rowhammer]

Thank you, I haven't seen those before in my search!
As for lithium, carbonate was my number one after all over the counter options will be exhausted. It's interesting that orotate seems to be comparable to carbonate in its efficiency, yet sold freely, at least over here. Definitely buying some.

[Foufou]

Thank you for sharing. I am new, i think I have got pssd from prolonged period of SJW tea drinking.
How are you now?

[rowhammer]

Sorry to hear that Foufou! SJW, in my opinion, is definitely a factor of risk, since it seems to function a lot like SSRI, and my prescribing doctor even told me to never take SSRI and SJW at the same time, since they may somehow interact. I am currently experimenting with the herbs and supplements I've listed in the table, and so far no visible effect has been observed. Anxiety and mild sleep disorder pushed me to seek psychotherapy, however I suspect this may be less related to what I'm taking right now, and more to getting used to life without depression meds. I'll keep in touch in case anything miraculous happens.

[rowhammer]

As I've promised, posting here, since something miraculous actually happened.
So, for the first time in my life, I've successfully ejaculated while being awake. The feelings were definitely still heavily numbed, and I couldn't have achieved it without lubrication (since pre-ejaculate still doesn't exist) - so I can't say I'm there yet. Still, 5-15 seconds of positive sensation is a godsend for me. So, I'll list all conditions, sorted by importance:
1) I've took a lot of supplements that I've listed in the spreadsheet that's attached to my signature. It can be boiled down to 100 days of licorice and 60 days of bacopa, lecithin, st johns wort, inositol, l-arginine, and lithium(45 days), all in their recommended dosages, uninterrupted. I've stopped taking them all 12 days ago (no excuse there, just got depressed enough I couldn't convince myself to take them, even though they clearly don't affect my mood). 6 days ago I've also tried taking 18g of inositol, just out of curiosity (in my spreadsheet there's a link to someone who had been treated with that dosage), and I don't believe that single action had any effect. All these supplements produced ABSOLUTELY no side effects or positive changes of any sort when I was taking them - and I was monitoring them closely in a stable environment.
2) I've took a walk in the park yesterday. Yeah, strange to think of it, I have a normal everyday exercise routine and all that, but that's the first time in maybe 9 months I've been to something with trees and grass. Could be related, could be not.
3) I had a relatively recent nocturnal emission (about 2-3 weeks ago, where median time between them is usually 2-3 months), which makes this advancement seem even more unreal (I've always thought that PSSD also affects sperm production rates).
4) My mental state definitely didn't play a positive role in this. I planned going back to meds this monday, since my mood quickly dropped these three months without them - I'm struggling with barely controlled irritability, anxiety, paranoia, unstoppable internal monologue and fog in my head I can dissolve only by beating my own head. Obviously, with this new development, meds ain't the plan anymore, however it's an incredible relief my mood had nothing to do here. This indeed felt like a self-perpetuating cycle, if my case would be not PSSD, but simple depression-induced SD.
5) As for the process itself - it was unusually quick. It was 2:30 AM, I've had an exhausting day of meaningless work, pretty much as non-aroused as I could ever be, just browsing slightly erotical pictures on my PC. The lubrication I used was low-grade olive oil, since it's the only thing that was proved to withstand hours of experimentation in the past. Right now, it took less than 5 minutes from start to finish. As always, no painful or uncomfortable sensations, only a strange tickling and then a feeling of curious obstruction I need to push outside.
Sorry for being this verbose - I have nothing to compare it to, so I can't say for the real magnitude of this improvement. My only wish here is that my ramblings could have any meaning in future studies of this terrible condition.

[rowhammer]

Reporting in a month later, the window persists, and I think it's safe to say anorgasmia is not a problem for me anymore. Reduced general sensitivity is still there, but honestly, I couldn't care less anymore, since the main problem is off the table. Unsurprisingly, this improvement drastically changed the quality of my life, and a lot of depressive symptoms also disappeared. I wanted to know what exactly was the cause of this improvement, so I've continued taking my supplements, successively removing them in order from the least probable (in my opinion). The plan looks like that:
0 day - removed lecithin
7 day - removed bacopa monnieri
14 day - removed kudzu root
18 day - removed inositol
22 days - removed l-arginine
And staying on licorice, SJW and lithium orotate for another month, I guess. No change has been observed during this month, as before, when I was taking them. If I had to guess what is the most probable cause of my improvement, I'd say it's licorice (statistically it was the most helpful supplement around, for PSSD), and I've been taking it for the longest time.