The rest of your life

[Wantmyclitorisback]

What I'd really like to do is take my mind off my sexual dysfunction but I'm finding it almost impossible.

I'm lonely and my life is pretty empty. My life really didn't go to the way I would have wanted it to, especially the last ten years. My SSRI prescription (the last one, anyway - I've been on and off these drugs since I was 13!) was for panic disorder that was causing agoraphobia. Because of the agoraphobia, I wasn't getting out and meeting people for years. Sertraline really worked miracles for this and got me out of the house again. I was desperate for a partner at this point, mostly for reassurance I could have children as most of my friends already had their families. I tried to force myself to stay in an awful relationship because of this fear. After I left, I couldn't seem to meet anyone else and then suddenly there was a pandemic and I was locked inside alone. I've been really proactive since lockdown was lifted to try and meet people but the only friendships that stuck were ones with other aging single women and some of them can be real downers if I'm honest! I noticed when I went to a gig at the weekend that when I looked at one man who I thought might be attractive what I felt was fear.

I guess what I'm ruminating on is the psychological aspect of all this. Now I'm going to sound braggy, so sorry in advance! Ten years ago, if you asked me to rate my attractiveness out of ten I would have said at least an 8. Who knows if it was all just ego, but that doesn't matter really, because what does matter is that I felt *hot*. I was utterly convinced I was sexy and that had an impact on how I dressed, the way I moved, my confidence, and probably as a result of these things the way people looked at me. If you asked me now about my attractiveness I would say maybe 5/10 because I know I'm not ugly but I feel disgusting. My sense of my desirability is at rock bottom in a way it never has been before. It probably doesn't help that I moved to the countryside during lockdown and men just don't look at me here the way they did in Manchester (the city I was in in the uk). Its an older population and I feel completely invisible - like a washed out old hag.

I've read the success stories here and in other forums and I feel like focusing not on PSSD but on other areas of your life where you have deficiencies seems to be a big part of it. Even if it doesn't help, it would be worth it just to be happier!

The problem is working out how to build a life again when it feels like you're building it from scratch.

Is anyone else thinking along similar lines and trying to find another focus? I'm wondering what others are doing for their wider mental health - any tips for getting back out there?

[C12345]

Hey,

Bless you. My life also is not going how I would have thought it would have. I’m 39 and have recently quit my job and moved back in with my parents due to poor mental health. I am feeling better not to have the pressure of work and grateful to my parents for putting me up. But yes, single for years now and life is well not as I would have expected I guess. And I’m basically out of time for having children. I’m hopeless when left alone (hence moving back in with parents). Feeling this dependence is not what anyone would like, but what can I do. I’m having CBT through the NHS which helps. And attending NA (I used to be addicted to various things) helps. And keeping busy helps. I am accountable to my brother for having 2 phone / vid calls or meeting up with 2 friends per week. My main mental health issue is anxiety and it’s such a pain. My PSSD is in the background impacting my self esteem and various other things for sure. I hope we meet great partners soon. Though like you I would be scared. I’ve always gone for men “beneath” me (sorry if that sounds rediculous, it’s just what people tell me) and this has lead to huge difficulties in relationships. Ah well, there’s lots to be grateful for, and things will get better, we have to believe that. I’ve started Taiko (Japanese drumming) which is brilliant and going swimming. Are there activities you could do out and about?

[Wantmyclitorisback]

Hey, I'm not much younger than you - 37. I totally understand what you're saying about living with your parents. It really hits you when you have to make those choices but it sounds like you're doing great to have come through what you've been through. I've had friends deal with addiction and it is so incredibly tough, so seriously well done - you've achieved more than most of us to pull yourself out, I hope you feel really proud of that.

I also understand what you're saying about dating 'beneath' you, lol. I've done the same. With the benefit of hindsight I think I was too scared to go out with someone I genuinely admired and felt safer being around people I maybe looked down on a bit for various reasons - tbf, the reasons were really more to do with their behaviour rather than perceived status or anything. They didn't treat me well and I would look down on them for it but then I'd stay anyway. That hit my self esteem too because I started to feel like that's all I deserved.

I've started making some real proactive efforts again to 'get out'. I'm going to a gig tonight and I think I'll dress nicely for it. I went to a gig at the weekend too. My life in my 20s was like 70% gigs and I realised a few weeks back that I don't feel alive without it.

One thing that's held me back over the last three years has been that I have a really reactive dog. I deliberately bought a high energy breed because I've had one before and thought I'd spend two hours a day exercising her, but because she has special needs that's turned into 3 or 4 and it's not safe for me to leave her with anyone else so she took over my whole life. I've now decided to pick back up the things I dropped to rebalance those scales. I quit jogging because she couldn't cope with it so now I'm going to jog without her. I stopped playing my piano and guitar because she couldn't deal with it but now I've just been playing and she will have to learn to cope. I'm putting her in a specialist day care every week so I can go on walks with walking groups around my age - she can't go because she's too dangerous.

I also just put a huge amount of money on a credit card to buy a ton of music equipment so I can start performing again. It would usually feel like too much to spend but I've spent way more than this on the damn dog, lol!

I so hope things work out for both of us. I know it's a buzzword nowadays but have you tried any mindfulness for your anxiety? I found it really helpful.

[C12345]

Hey,

Thanks so much for your kind words. Yea there’s nothing like completely fudging up your life with addiction, to make you and those around you so pleased when it sorts out. You just waste a lot of years with it. But there’s no point dwelling on that!

I’m so glad you’re starting to do more things again like the music and the walking, that’s excellent.

Re mindfulness, I used to do it a lot, but I got out of the habit. I think maybe I could do with a group or something to get me back into it.

Someone said yesterday in an NA meeting that they have been taught to ask themselves - do I need to be thinking about whatever I’m thinking about right now? Is it helping me? Been thinking (lol) about this concept and it’s GOOD.

Interesting that you can relate to the thing of the dating. I too would have felt too scared to have gone out with someone actually on my “level”, which is nuts really!

We will get there. Maybe we are there, in some sense .

Hope you have a good day.

[The_Eye]

I'm 39 and I'm building my life from scratch as well. I'd be on the same boat even without PSSD though. Slowly getting better at things. Find natural supplements to feel better .

[C12345]

Ah well done

[C12345]

I just reported my PSSD onto yellow card. I recommend it if you’re in the UK. https://yellowcard.mhra.gov.uk/