A paladin of PSSD hurt me to death
Posted: Fri Jun 24, 2022 7:49 am
i want to leave this message in the wind because i can't know if there are currently people, particularly women, to whom i can direct it more directly, and there might be as i have been.
i have spent many years consistently engaging in outreach activities on pssd, and especially supporting the initiatives of a certain blog
i did it mainly driven by feelings more than by practical usefulness: of gratitude and esteem i had for that certain person, feelings that evolved into affection, desire for tenderness and even eroticism, because i felt held in high esteem since he involved me, encouraged me and showed appreciation.
I always expressed to him what was happening to me and he did not put brakes on nor did he ever give a direction of reality. what he did was to let me delude myself heavily, to the point of partly indulging my feelings which were based on imagination rather than on his real person.
at the moment when I was suffering from this whole ambiguous situation and felt that he had messed up my ideas and I needed to clear my head, what he did was ghosting.
after feeling pampered and cared, his absurd indifference to my every feeling and the pain caused by the ambiguity caused me anguish and thoughts of suicide.
I hoped he was the best thing the PSSD shit had brought me and instead I now have to hope to overcome this further dehumanising trauma.
The question is: how is it possible, why did he do it?
after months of terrifying limbo, i came to the answers:
- he accepted my romantic messages (I worried that I was out of place and that he couldn't send me away for fear of hurting me, what a poor deluded girl) for his own amusement, without any scruples about the consequences on me
- took advantage of it to ask me for favours
- when I wanted clarity, with his silence he covered his ass by denying that anything serious had been triggered in me, but he knew very well what had happened to me
I should point out that I am a person in a vulnerable condition, I have been through several traumas and not only pssd, low self-esteem, lack of affection, depression, loneliness, isolation... and he knew all that.
i repeat: he knew all that. he realised everything.
you know, you don't need explicit active violence to be unfair, disloyal, insensitive, cruel, sadistic, profiteering, despicable, without respect and without decency.
if you get a sense of gratitude for a psychiatrist 'paladin of pssd', get over it: he is not a hero, he does not follow the values he professes, he is just working, his heart is not in it.
he listens to you because you are interesting for his work, and if you help him you will be useful tools (so you treat him as a useful tool and nothing more), there is no compassion in him for your suffering. and to women I say he has no tenderness, please don't see tenderness.
i have spent many years consistently engaging in outreach activities on pssd, and especially supporting the initiatives of a certain blog
i did it mainly driven by feelings more than by practical usefulness: of gratitude and esteem i had for that certain person, feelings that evolved into affection, desire for tenderness and even eroticism, because i felt held in high esteem since he involved me, encouraged me and showed appreciation.
I always expressed to him what was happening to me and he did not put brakes on nor did he ever give a direction of reality. what he did was to let me delude myself heavily, to the point of partly indulging my feelings which were based on imagination rather than on his real person.
at the moment when I was suffering from this whole ambiguous situation and felt that he had messed up my ideas and I needed to clear my head, what he did was ghosting.
after feeling pampered and cared, his absurd indifference to my every feeling and the pain caused by the ambiguity caused me anguish and thoughts of suicide.
I hoped he was the best thing the PSSD shit had brought me and instead I now have to hope to overcome this further dehumanising trauma.
The question is: how is it possible, why did he do it?
after months of terrifying limbo, i came to the answers:
- he accepted my romantic messages (I worried that I was out of place and that he couldn't send me away for fear of hurting me, what a poor deluded girl) for his own amusement, without any scruples about the consequences on me
- took advantage of it to ask me for favours
- when I wanted clarity, with his silence he covered his ass by denying that anything serious had been triggered in me, but he knew very well what had happened to me
I should point out that I am a person in a vulnerable condition, I have been through several traumas and not only pssd, low self-esteem, lack of affection, depression, loneliness, isolation... and he knew all that.
i repeat: he knew all that. he realised everything.
you know, you don't need explicit active violence to be unfair, disloyal, insensitive, cruel, sadistic, profiteering, despicable, without respect and without decency.
if you get a sense of gratitude for a psychiatrist 'paladin of pssd', get over it: he is not a hero, he does not follow the values he professes, he is just working, his heart is not in it.
he listens to you because you are interesting for his work, and if you help him you will be useful tools (so you treat him as a useful tool and nothing more), there is no compassion in him for your suffering. and to women I say he has no tenderness, please don't see tenderness.