In A Very Bad Way Please Help

[BrokenDoll]

I'm sorry for this post, but I'm at my wits end. I NEED hope because these last few days my mind has been in a very dark place. Please, help me. I need to talk about this. I need to open up right now.
Is this treatable? Am I f*cked forever?

I apologise for the long post, and I feel really annoying and vulnerable, as this is very personal.

I've told my story several times on this forum already, but a quick update: I've had PSSD since 2014. I dont mean to inspire dread or hopelessness in anyone, but my case is different as I was on a high dosage and was constantly high during and after my SSRI 'treatment'. (I no longer smoke weed).

I cold turkeyed 150mg of sertraline after several months of taking them here and there.
Only started taking them habitually and daily a few weeks before completely going off of them.
Before the sertraline I was on a much lower dose of lexapro (20-50mgs for 3ish years). The thing is, I still had a very high sex drive whilst I was on the lexapro. And then it gradually weakened once I switched to sertraline.

I found out about PSSD sometime in the autumn of 2015, over a year later after sudden discontinuation. Now, this is weird but please hear me out.
I dont think I was anhedonic before reading about how PSSD makes you anhedonic. If i remember correctly I still had feelings. But not as intense as before the pills.
I think my anhedonia is due to stress and OCD because I feared anhedonia. Psychosomatic, kind of. I think so anyway. I'm sorry, my head is a mess lately.

I went on the sertaline because I had homosexual OCD (it sounds bizarre but I used to worry if I was gay without knowing or somehow turned gay). Before and after stopping my meds I would get unwanted feelings for women. Now, anyone with OCD might know what I'm talking about. If not, it's basically false feelings because the OCD convinced me I was gay.
I wasn't in denial btw as I have been straight all my life (I know I am straight now and haven't had HOCD since 2015) and I have nothing against people who are gay. It was just a theme my OCD managed to get stuck on at the time.

Then upon discovering PSSD online, my theme and obsession switched to this. I'm not denying that PSSD is real, I have it and I know myself and my body. I used to have an extremely high sex drive whereas now I have NO sex drive anymore and i haven't been properly aroused since maybe 2013. (I think I had a really erotic dream in 2014 a few weeks/maybe months after getting PSSD but I cant really remember if my brain is blowing it out of proportion or not).

Anyway, I'm so sorry if I'm rambling right now but I feel like I'm going mad in general. Maybe I am. I'm desperate and lost and just want me back. I miss me.

Just a note, I haven't tried anything like supplements for this (except for Maca Root powder in 2015 for a short while and it didn't work) because I'm afraid that something even worse will happen to me, even though I want to end my life. It's confusing.
Also please, NO ONE HERE END THEIR LIFE.
I'm a hypocrite because I want to end mine but I'm not worried about my sex drive anymore. I'm worried I will never be happy again and have my old feelings back.

I think I had windows of recovery a few times but never full ones where I experienced the full arousal that I used to before PSSD. I felt extreme things over the years like jealousy (very extreme, over an ex). Does this mean my feelings are fine? Sometimes, on occasion, and I cant be sure, but I think that I get a jolt in my chest like an electric shock when I see an attractive man who I might think is an ex. Is this emotions?

Is having feelings for someone thinking about them and wanting to be with them? Or is it physical tangible things inside your body, like a feeling in your stomach and heart?
Because my heart beat is very low (even exercise doesn't speed it up) and I feel 'cut off' from my body, emotion wise.

The thing is, I had very strong emotions before and during medication. I was in my late teens when I went on them and 21 when I went off them. So, I dont really know what emotions are like for normal adults as I was under the influence of teenage hormones still so I dont have anything else to compare it to.

I know this is a very long post, and I dont expect all my questions to be answered, but please someone help me. Just talk to me please. I'm so lonely and need somebody.

[nasibi]

You are not alone. We are all in this together. I have been in this condition for almost 2 years now. Mine was caused by exogenous testosterone. No SSRI involved.

I have also lost all my emotions and sexual functioning. I also struggle with the thoughts of suicide and hopelessness. However what helps me somewhat is a note that I have written to myself. It reads as: Speculation does not equal facts. We can speculate that we might never get out of this situation. Or we can speculate that we may get cured sometime. But to be honest we don't know either way. Only time will tell.

Success stories like that of Maxbook give me hope. He was in a pretty much similar condition. He also was on the brink of giving up and had lost all hope. But he found something that worked for him and he got his life back. Goes on to show that you don't necessarily need a universal cure, but individuals through out their journies may find things that might cure them.

You are in a better condition as you have at least experienced windows. I have never experienced any window. Feelings of jealousy is also a good sign. I don't have even this feeling.

I think the first step is acceptance. Accepting that it really has happend. Stupid things happen. I watch the videos of baby animals getting eaten alive by wild predators and pictures of animals who died because of getting stuck between rocks and there skeleton remains standing. It reminds me of the reality of this world. Anything can happen in this world. We should acknowledge our current condition and learn to live with it.

[iull1k]

You are not alone. We are all in this together. I have been in this condition for almost 2 years now. Mine was caused by exogenous testosterone. No SSRI involved.

I have also lost all my emotions and sexual functioning. I also struggle with the thoughts of suicide and hopelessness. However what helps me somewhat is a note that I have written to myself. It reads as: Speculation does not equal facts. We can speculate that we might never get out of this situation. Or we can speculate that we may get cured sometime. But to be honest we don't know either way. Only time will tell.

Success stories like that of Maxbook give me hope. He was in a pretty much similar condition. He also was on the brink of giving up and had lost all hope. But he found something that worked for him and he got his life back. Goes on to show that you don't necessarily need a universal cure, but individuals through out their journies may find things that might cure them.

You are in a better condition as you have at least experienced windows. I have never experienced any window. Feelings of jealousy is also a good sign. I don't have even this feeling.

I think the first step is acceptance. Accepting that it really has happend. Stupid things happen. I watch the videos of baby animals getting eaten alive by wild predators and pictures of animals who died because of getting stuck between rocks and there skeleton remains standing. It reminds me of the reality of this world. Anything can happen in this world. We should acknowledge our current condition and learn to live with it.

What have you tried till now? Are you sure it's only testosterone? Have you ever used a topical cream, hair restore pill, what you used for PCT? Thank you

[Bunny]

BrokenDoll, you sound similar to me, right down to the OCD, cold turkeying sertraline, and feeling hopeless.

I used to have obsessive thoughts that the world might end. I would be in my high school class, when the thought would suddenly pop into my head "what if a nuclear war happens and we all die?" I had never had a thought like that before, and I couldn't shake it. It was always there. Later it would morph into fears that aliens would invade the planet and enslave the human race.

The thoughts were terrible. I felt like a total lunatic. I was too scared to leave my room or function. At the time, I had no way of connecting these thoughts to the lifetime of parental abuse I had suffered up to that point. I buried those negative emotions deep... but that only made my OCD worse.

I was put on lots of different antidepressants, but none of them helped. They also didn't affect my sex drive at all. The only thing that helped was when I started taking Zoloft. Zoloft killed the OCD for the next three years, without killing my sex drive. But then I couldn't afford Zoloft and had to switch to generic sertraline, which at 200mg killed my sex drive (and emotions) dead.

I had no idea what to do. Mostly I just pretended I didn't have a problem, or that my sex drive would magically come back. But then I started reading about PSSD and sadly, I do think that made my anhedonia worse. I could feel myself getting more anhedonic as I read the posts from despairing users. So I mostly stayed away from the forums, and drifted about aimlessly with my sexual dysfunction, watching life pass me by. The only thing that helped me regain sex drive/emotions even a little bit was bupropion, but the effect was very inconsistent and did nothing to raise my baseline.

In 2016, I resolved to beat my PSSD once and for all. I spent thousands of dollars on labs, appointments, and medicines and refused to take "no" for an answer from doctors. But my persistence seemed to yield no results. Nothing was touching the PSSD. I sank into the deepest depression of my life. I dragged myself into therapy, when the counselor one day suggested I had C-PTSD and that we should treat that. Around the same time, I started pelvic floor therapy, and later, was put on lithium. Not long after that, I was fully cured.

I was a complete "hopeless case." I tried so many things that didn't work, and arguably could have made me worse. I believe you have a full shot at recovery -- you still feel some emotions, you have experienced windows, you haven't yet tried a lot of the treatments featured in PSSD "success stories." Please don't give up! I was so close so many times to giving up and ending my life, but I'm so glad I didn't. If it helps, read some success stories (https://pssdlab.wordpress.com/success-stories/) and try what they tried. I don't think the solution to PSSD is the same for everyone, so it helps to try a lot of different things.

And in the meantime, please live your life. I missed out on so much due to being depressed from PSSD. I let opportunities pass me by and friendships lapse and I'll always have regrets over that. I would hate for the same thing to happen to younger members of the forum, especially when we know a lot more now about PSSD than we used to.

[chemistry]

Hey Brokendoll, I'm a guy but our stories are actually really surprisingly similar in terms of taking two SSRIs, going on sertraline and smoking weed at the same time. I was 16 when that happened though so idk if being that young made things worse for me or not. I also dont know what its like to be a normal adult. I also completely relate to the OCD, the fear of something making it sort of real and that fuels the OCD even more, and still having "some" emotions or wtv, then finding out about PSSD/anhedonia and seeming to be worse since. So all of that I can relate too, you're not alone.
I want to start out by saying you're not going crazy, you've recognized OCD/anxiety symptoms and although these things would be insanity to us if we were to imagine what losing our minds would be like - its probably not at all like this, it's just anxiety and it often feels very much like we're seriously losing it, but we're not i promise. i just went through a few months of the worst anxiety and panic and insomnia ever where i was so convinced i was losing it but i'm still here and i would have lost it by now i think lol but i haven't.

Although im pretty badly emotionally blunted and anhedonic, i still feel jealousy like you described, pretty badly actually. I still feel antsy or nervous like any kind of nervous energy such as excitement, jiterry, etc i can feel. But yeah i think if you're feeling some things that a good sign jealousy is a very powerful emotion so it makes sense that you'd still feel some of that. Maybe you still feel things like embarrassment, guilt, regret? I sure do maybe too much lol. I used to be very emotional before meds. what we're lacking is more the simple positive emotions, i think - and probably some of the negative ones too. Like we're never really happy never really sad. I can say one thing for sure though, if you obsess and think too much about what you're supposed to feel and when, and get upset even subconsciously when you dont feel something when you think you should, you're not helping your situation at all. Doing that makes things a lot worse for me anyway. I remember the other day i "meditated" and actually managed to "let go" for probably 5 seconds, and i heard a chickadee which reminds me of my childhood and for a second it hit me really hard and i got kind of emotional, then of course it went away once i took notice of it. This kind of monitoring is bad for us and i think im the worst for it. Not saying we dont have a physical/neurological problem cause i think we do, but we make it so much worse with this obsessing, then getting depressed over it, etc.

My best advice is to accept yourself for how you are right now and dont try to change it , just allow it, be in the moment and have hope that things will get better and you wont always feel this way. You used to be very different before medication, that side of you is still in there somewhere - all the recovery stories prove that. You're not fucked, etc and things definitely can get better. Idk what to suggest as for supplements since they haven't helped me much but keep your eye out for something that you think might help you. Its unlikely that a supplement will worsen your situation much and even if it did you'll probably feel better once you come off them. Just start small and work your way up so you feel more comfortable. Just my 2 cents.

[Glitch]

Hi BrokenDoll,

I'm not all that active anymore on the forums but I signed on and happened to see your message. I hope that you're feeling better and I just wanted to let you know that you can PM me anytime if you need someone to talk to. You would be surprised at how well people on these forums can understand each others feelings on PSSD and life in general. I've been dealing with both PSSD and Depression for quite a while so I may have at least some grasp on how to help.

I know it's hard. Life isn't always as easy as "Glass half full", at least not for people like us. We just see things differently. Whether it's Post traumatic, chemical, or whatever the fuck is going on with everyone on here. I'm pretty unsure if I even have PSSD half of the time! You just have to know that what you're feeling is OKAY. You are going to get through this, because you care: about yourself and about the people who care about you.

I've spent so much time thinking about my penis. I dated a girl who was a bit younger than me, with a really high sex drive and it didn't work out. And guess what? It had nothing to do with my ability to get a boner, it just wasn't a right fit. Thinking back on the entire time I've had erection issues, It's never affected my relationships unless it was on my end. This taught me something valuable about perception running your whole fucking life.

I don't know you but you sound so much like me. And I know I'm just some dude on a forum, but I can assure you that you deserve to be happy.


I hope this gets to you and helps even a little bit ( :

[Glitch]

Brokendoll,

How are things now? Are you still on the boards? Hope to hear from you.

[BrokenDoll]

BrokenDoll, you sound similar to me, right down to the OCD, cold turkeying sertraline, and feeling hopeless.

I used to have obsessive thoughts that the world might end. I would be in my high school class, when the thought would suddenly pop into my head "what if a nuclear war happens and we all die?" I had never had a thought like that before, and I couldn't shake it. It was always there. Later it would morph into fears that aliens would invade the planet and enslave the human race.

The thoughts were terrible. I felt like a total lunatic. I was too scared to leave my room or function. At the time, I had no way of connecting these thoughts to the lifetime of parental abuse I had suffered up to that point. I buried those negative emotions deep... but that only made my OCD worse.

I was put on lots of different antidepressants, but none of them helped. They also didn't affect my sex drive at all. The only thing that helped was when I started taking Zoloft. Zoloft killed the OCD for the next three years, without killing my sex drive. But then I couldn't afford Zoloft and had to switch to generic sertraline, which at 200mg killed my sex drive (and emotions) dead.

I had no idea what to do. Mostly I just pretended I didn't have a problem, or that my sex drive would magically come back. But then I started reading about PSSD and sadly, I do think that made my anhedonia worse. I could feel myself getting more anhedonic as I read the posts from despairing users. So I mostly stayed away from the forums, and drifted about aimlessly with my sexual dysfunction, watching life pass me by. The only thing that helped me regain sex drive/emotions even a little bit was bupropion, but the effect was very inconsistent and did nothing to raise my baseline.

In 2016, I resolved to beat my PSSD once and for all. I spent thousands of dollars on labs, appointments, and medicines and refused to take "no" for an answer from doctors. But my persistence seemed to yield no results. Nothing was touching the PSSD. I sank into the deepest depression of my life. I dragged myself into therapy, when the counselor one day suggested I had C-PTSD and that we should treat that. Around the same time, I started pelvic floor therapy, and later, was put on lithium. Not long after that, I was fully cured.

I was a complete "hopeless case." I tried so many things that didn't work, and arguably could have made me worse. I believe you have a full shot at recovery -- you still feel some emotions, you have experienced windows, you haven't yet tried a lot of the treatments featured in PSSD "success stories." Please don't give up! I was so close so many times to giving up and ending my life, but I'm so glad I didn't. If it helps, read some success stories (https://pssdlab.wordpress.com/success-stories/) and try what they tried. I don't think the solution to PSSD is the same for everyone, so it helps to try a lot of different things.

And in the meantime, please live your life. I missed out on so much due to being depressed from PSSD. I let opportunities pass me by and friendships lapse and I'll always have regrets over that. I would hate for the same thing to happen to younger members of the forum, especially when we know a lot more now about PSSD than we used to.

Hi Bunny, I really hope you see this. You're the only person to give me hope after all these years to be honest. I understand that you may never be back again, why would you? I I were you I would want to leave this all behind.

I have been considering Wellbutrin but I'm afraid of the side effects. I'm also scared it'll make me gain weight.

Thank you for your response. By the way, I never had a proper window, never a sexual one really (and if I had, it was very mild). So maybe my chances of recovery are astronomically low?

Do you think it is possible for one to recover form this years out without never having a window? I'm taking inisitol and choline for the past month or so but see no improvements at all. I give up.

[BrokenDoll]

BrokenDoll, you sound similar to me, right down to the OCD, cold turkeying sertraline, and feeling hopeless.

I used to have obsessive thoughts that the world might end. I would be in my high school class, when the thought would suddenly pop into my head "what if a nuclear war happens and we all die?" I had never had a thought like that before, and I couldn't shake it. It was always there. Later it would morph into fears that aliens would invade the planet and enslave the human race.

The thoughts were terrible. I felt like a total lunatic. I was too scared to leave my room or function. At the time, I had no way of connecting these thoughts to the lifetime of parental abuse I had suffered up to that point. I buried those negative emotions deep... but that only made my OCD worse.

I was put on lots of different antidepressants, but none of them helped. They also didn't affect my sex drive at all. The only thing that helped was when I started taking Zoloft. Zoloft killed the OCD for the next three years, without killing my sex drive. But then I couldn't afford Zoloft and had to switch to generic sertraline, which at 200mg killed my sex drive (and emotions) dead.

I had no idea what to do. Mostly I just pretended I didn't have a problem, or that my sex drive would magically come back. But then I started reading about PSSD and sadly, I do think that made my anhedonia worse. I could feel myself getting more anhedonic as I read the posts from despairing users. So I mostly stayed away from the forums, and drifted about aimlessly with my sexual dysfunction, watching life pass me by. The only thing that helped me regain sex drive/emotions even a little bit was bupropion, but the effect was very inconsistent and did nothing to raise my baseline.

In 2016, I resolved to beat my PSSD once and for all. I spent thousands of dollars on labs, appointments, and medicines and refused to take "no" for an answer from doctors. But my persistence seemed to yield no results. Nothing was touching the PSSD. I sank into the deepest depression of my life. I dragged myself into therapy, when the counselor one day suggested I had C-PTSD and that we should treat that. Around the same time, I started pelvic floor therapy, and later, was put on lithium. Not long after that, I was fully cured.

I was a complete "hopeless case." I tried so many things that didn't work, and arguably could have made me worse. I believe you have a full shot at recovery -- you still feel some emotions, you have experienced windows, you haven't yet tried a lot of the treatments featured in PSSD "success stories." Please don't give up! I was so close so many times to giving up and ending my life, but I'm so glad I didn't. If it helps, read some success stories (https://pssdlab.wordpress.com/success-stories/) and try what they tried. I don't think the solution to PSSD is the same for everyone, so it helps to try a lot of different things.

And in the meantime, please live your life. I missed out on so much due to being depressed from PSSD. I let opportunities pass me by and friendships lapse and I'll always have regrets over that. I would hate for the same thing to happen to younger members of the forum, especially when we know a lot more now about PSSD than we used to.

Hi Bunny, I really hope you see this. You're the only person to give me hope after all these years to be honest. I understand that you may never be back again, why would you? I I were you I would want to leave this all behind.

I have been considering Wellbutrin but I'm afraid of the side effects. I'm also scared it'll make me gain weight.

Thank you for your response. By the way, I never had a proper window, never a sexual one really (and if I had, it was very mild). So maybe my chances of recovery are astronomically low?

Do you think it is possible for one to recover form this years out without never having a window? I'm taking inisitol and choline for the past month or so but see no improvements at all. I feel like giving up.

[BrokenDoll]

I'm sorry for not replying to anyone else right now, but I cant handle this. I need positive stories, I need hope