I can´t fall in love. Vent out

[escitalopramsucks]

Not a negative post:

I am totally inmersed in a window-waves world...

There are weeks when I can feel love and conexion with my partner... there are others, of disconnection: It feels weird, suddendly I´m prone to have sex with him cos I have feelings (not like the old years, but surely very different as when I´m numb), and then the wave come back and my anxiety too.... I feel I don´t love him anymore and makes me suffer. I am not interested in sex, in romance and I´m scared of not having any more windows.

I´m attending a psychologist and I can say the windows bring me hope despite the anxiety that is always stalking. I dont´know if he helps me or not.

When I am in a wave I feel I´m not gonna be in a window anymore and the depression symptons come back.. it is like being bipolar in the way it affects my emotions.

I feel proud of myself in some way... because I have been taking 2 mgs of lorazepam for 8 months and 2 months ago I took the opportunity during a window and achieved to reduce to 1,5 with great effort as I felt deeply the withdrawal (I felt like if I had flue and I could´t sleep).

Its 2 years since i have been suffering from PSSD and the only tips I can suggest are:

- Exercise ans activity. Try to focus in something different.
- Find an endocrinologist (the best one) I´m currently taking bioidentical progesterone (14-28 day of the cicle) and bioidentical DHEA, plus magnesium, B6 vitamin and levotiroxine.

We need to see the little good part of what is happening, wether it is a window, an unexpected outburst of emotion... a day of better sex or whatever... and hold in that sensation.
Neurotranmisors are modulated by our emotions as well. I can feel when I am more positive after I function better (this is now, the last 2 years it didnt work) but I mean, now that I have experienced some "good" things in a dark hole period is neccesary to grab a moment and dream on it against the fear, so the brain can manufacture more dopamine or whatever is needed.
Mind and body are connected!

Hope I can help myself and you all.

Hugs

[fablecloth]

We need to see the little good part of what is happening, wether it is a window, an unexpected outburst of emotion... a day of better sex or whatever... and hold in that sensation.

This is great advice. I suffered from social anxiety for a long time. I had small windows where I would not feel anxious, and where I would feel amazing and feel confident, and free. Perhaps one day in every month, or in every two months.

I learnt to hold onto the memories of those feelings, so that I could always remember that things could get better.

It took years, but I've finally conquered 90% of my social anxiety.

I'm hoping I'll also be able to get over PSSD soon, or perhaps just one day. Like you, I'm holding onto those brief moments when things are fine (or in my case, the memories of when things were fine) to keep me going, and to constantly remind myself of the joy to be had when things finally get better.

[Karina87]

I cant fall in love since I habe pssd, too. It's horrible. I love my husband more than life but I cant feel it in my body. it feels different. I wish I could love the way I did before pssd, but I think it wont ever be possible. It's almost 4 years now without any change or window. So sad.

[escitalopramsucks]

Karina. Never lose hope. Some months ago I was in the. Deepest hole and passing a major depression and anxiety very unable to live with. Now here I am.

Last week I was feeling in love and. Totally sure of my feelings. There has been 3 days and the lack of emotions and libido visited me once again... Its mad!!! What the hell is happening in my head? But is better than months ago when I never was able to feel . so every tunnel has its own ray of light... Further or nearer but certainly must be somewheresometime

[escitalopramsucks]

Guys. Winter time is destroying me... in summer I recovered my sexual capacity and a little libido that I enjoyed so much.It wasn´t all the time but I could say I had an improvemnet and felt butterflies in my stomach and feeling of love.

Now, I am in a bad wave and my sexuality is again 0... like 2 years and 2 months ago when this hell started. Numb. Sometimes i feel i´m with a friend instead of my partner and I´m scared about going back to the depression I experienced last winter when i almost killed myself.

I try to continue with jobs, studies, but I´m inside so sad... I feel my boyfriend is the excepction: this last summer was good with him but I cannot feel atraction for any other guys or get excited with visual stimuli...etc- I feel so impaired and I´m losing my strenght again.

Winter is not helping cos bring me back memories about last winter, is something i dont have control on... I recognize situations of the past in my present cos i have lost my sexuality AGAIN.

Do you think is normal to have a recovery and after a very deep wave?

Thank you and rapid recoveries for everybody

[silverstar]

Check all your vitamin levels especially d, b12 and iron winter can bring anyone down

Los of fresh air
Omega 3 fats krill oil
Liquid vitamin d supplements
Neuro magnesium supplement
CoQ10
Good probiotics
Exercise like yoga
Breathe and meditate

Try pure cbd oil for depression mood brightening

Do other things...enjoy the change of season
Make something yummy and healthy
Blast music
Dance
Try to enjoy everything ....every moment stay with it

Keep in touch!

You'll be great

[forexworld12]

escitalopramsucks,
You're in a very severe depression if you are numb & cant feel emotions. Please see a professional about this, trust me.
I felt exactly as you did. Severely numb & empty. If you find the right medication combo you will feel alive again.

jaiho its not severe depression. its ssri induced frontal lobe dysfunction where there is a serotonin overload surpressing the reward neurotransmitters. i think I have told you that and gave you many proofs .
just going back on meds and treating the symptoms doesn't mean its depression .. !

[jaiho]

It isn't serotonin overload, if that were the case, they would be happy & content all the time, and would not feel a desire to do much because they are so content already.
It's severe depression for sure. Some meds will reduce reward activation, all depends on your neurochemistry on what receptors are activated by which drug.

[escitalopramsucks]

The only emotions I can´t feel are the romantic ones... so Your hypothesis Jaiho is not valid for me.
PSSD is a pain in the neck and being depressed is very very common... So " they would be happy & content all the time" is something that I can´t just really understand with all the shit we have to bear and the incapacity (romantical and physical we have to carry 24 a day)
I could experienced a REAL depression last year and believe me I´m feeling down and anxoius but nothing compared with the situation of last year when i just wanted to dissapear and die.

And in Summer.. when I got achievements my depression lifted and I was feeling myselg again. I had outburst of romantic feelings and desire from time to time (not as strong as before, actually it was a tiny libido) but enought for making me feel the luckiest girl in the planet.

So my question, please is not about wether if I´m depressed or not.

I would like to know if it is normal.. if someone have experienced great achievements to go back to the black hole again.
People in surviving antidepressants talk about windows (improvements, good moments) and waves (back to the bad symptons again) but they talk in general abouyt protacted withdrawal of SSRI´s, not specifically about PSSD.

I´m worried cos I don´t want to have sex again and I can´t feel it when I try and feel like the beggining of this shit. Thanks for your advice and good words to everybody.

Love and rapid recoveries

[jaiho]

I know the windows you talk of. It's a fleeting feeling of being connected to your surroundings. See an attractive person? it should make your heart flutter.
Nervous before an event? Your gut should be in knots.

With severe depression, the above is muted, numbed, eliminated.
If you've tried SSRIs and you feel more numb, it's the wrong med for your neurochemistry. Try augmentation. Try a different med. Just keep trying, until you're in remission. I just dont want people to be stuck in this, because it's incredibly painful.