Psychological?

[Wantmyclitorisback]

Ok so I'm sticking my neck out here because I don't have a sense of whether I'm the only one thinking this or whether it's just that others also stay quiet....

I've been thinking about this issue for about a year now and I'm coming to the conclusion that it probably/ almost definitely has a psychological basis for me, but I don't really know what to call it and I still fit best in PSSD forums when it comes to what I'm experiencing so I just don't really have anyone to talk to about it and if there are people on the same page as me then I'd love someone to talk to.

My current narrative for my experience is this:

Had very extreme/ totally disabling panic disorder with mild depression. After four years of trying to do something about anxiety non pharmaceutically, I retried Sertraline. Genitals went numb etc but I quickly achieved my goal of being able to go outside so temporarily worth it to get my life back. Mental health issues reduced to moderate anxiety with mild depression on sertraline which I found livable. Discontinued before a year was up because I was sick of feeling nothing during sex. Body went completely back to normal within days but bad discontinuation syndrome plus return of emotion plus difficult life circumstances meant I was extremely ill and only lasted a few weeks before having to go back on it.

Then there was a global pandemic. And I moved to the countryside by myself. And even after the lockdown ended it was really difficult to create a new life because of a lack of opportunities. I shut down inside during the pandemic to cope with the total isolation and didn't fully open back up because it wasn't 'safe' to yet (still very isolated). Tried really hard to build a new life/ community but tough going and didn't really get anywhere so over the years my hope eroded more and more. By the time I got off the Sertraline, anxiety was much reduced but depression much worse. Nowadays I have zero anxiety but severe depression.

I was expecting that getting off the sertraline would mean I could go back to feeling how I did before I took it, but in those five years everything changed and my life is completely different now. I'd also lost all hope there was anything I could do about it. I think also that having no sexual function (or barely any) on Sertraline fucked up my relationship with my body and sex and I lost positive associations with sex.

I keep getting glimpses of "it's still there but it's like there's a pane of glass just above my hips like it gets blocked". For my whole life I've had problems identifying, feeling and communicating emotion and usually feel it in my body instead. I've started to have little glimpses now that the glass I feel blocking my body is overwhelming sadness and I think also a loss of self. I spend 99% of my time alone in my room nowadays and I think literally just not being able to see myself interact with other people has diminished my sense of self to the point I feel like I died or don't exist.

I have no idea what to do about any of this but I don't want to die this way.

If anyone else feels similarly to me about what's causing their problems, I'd love to chat. Because the numb genitals etc is the symptom bothering me the most I don't feel like I belong in the same way in mental health forums.