Rexulti flattened it. I was more mad thinking about her sleeping with other men. And that anger was mostly because she was a hypocrite: shaming me ruthlessly for going on Porn on my phone, shaming me for masturbating by myself, etc. She basically completely controlled my sexuality and wanted to possess me, while claiming she loved me, and while I have no solid proof, she's alluded multiple times to sleeping with other men and it drove me crazy. The Rexulti did flatten that and for the past several years I haven't felt any rage but I do feel the occasional pang of anger or jealousy, so maybe my emotions are still coming back online.anacleta wrote: ↑Wed Aug 03, 2022 4:49 pmthank you for telling your story, it is terrifying but also interesting to see where and how PSSD has crept in over the course of life. Perhaps there are not a few cases where PSSD (or similar syndrome) comes on people who were already suffering a lot and for a long time. hurts that add up to more hurts, maybe after the illusion of having found a way to get better, here comes the "punishment". the feeling may be that you don't deserve any happiness. when things are uncontrollable and it goes the worst way I get the feeling that "god" doesn't love me
you are the first one I read who describes a side of the coin of loss of sexuality and emotionality that is not totally negative in comparison with previous suffering.
did you ever have feelings of vivid resentment for that ex of yours, ideas of making her pay, or was flattened by Rexulti?
for me this latest affair fits into the larger picture where it seems that I cannot find solace or healing.
I hoped that my emotional potential and sensitivity would be the tool with which to heal my wounds
I had a mirage of someone in whom so many meaningful things converged and I invested so much of my interiority at some point I felt that he could have tremendous beneficial power over me, which I cannot recreate on my own, but it was in the moment that he was deceiving me.
this affair could teach me that my affectivity and sensitivity is something worth throwing in the garbage. it is what made me fail in life, what gave me childhood traumas that were never overcome, what caused me to lose my most important affections with following feelings of mourning and guilt, self-isolation and depression, what led me to take psychotropic drugs and PSSD, and, since I was not already ruined enough, it was also something to be made fun of at 34.
but I would not want to lose it now, i am more tempted to embrace my affectivity and make that flight together...into the garbage
I'm going to be 33 this year, so we're similar in age. I've had similar experiences. The sensitivity is a vulnerability. However, I choose to not dispose of it, but to keep it more private. I'm much more careful about who I get personally involved with, which at the moment means no one except one of my best friends who I've known for 18 years. I've tried making new friends and was harshly judged many times for "choosing" to stay in this broken relationship.
When you're sensitive, you're vulnerable to abuse, and then anyone you go to for help, or to just talk or vent, will also judge you and victim blame you. "Well, it's your fault for choosing this person." And things like that. As if we weren't already aware of the choices we've made, but the whole point is that the childhood traumas and vulnerabilities cloud our judgment and also make us feel shame for literally anything we decide.
Anyway. For me it's a mixed bag. I still have libido, to an extent, though it isn't what it used to be, and ejaculation is more unsatisfying and depressing than it is satisfying. A lot has changed. And again, it doesn't help that my ex is the only girl I've had sex with, so I bonded very strongly to her.
It is very unfair, as you say. Like we live our whole lives being deprived, then finally find what we're looking for, but the source is poisoned. And then our lives are ruined more than they were before. Hope feels like it's been completely taken away.
I haven't given up yet. What medication were you on, and how long have you had PSSD? I'm going on 3 years myself, since stopping Rexulti, but if you include the fact that I had the negative effects as soon as I started it, it's been over 3 years by now for me.