I'm back. I wasn't sure to come back, but I'm in a pretty bad state. You probably would like me to summarize what happened and focus just on the PSSD and estradio trial, but there's too much to say.
When I left last year, I was in panic due to the inflammation of my armpit lymph nodes. From that moment I stopped my experiment and took anastrazole then tamoxifen for a while until the pain and inflammation subsided. The lymph nodes didn't fully returned to their original state in a very long time, and my fear remained for several weeks while some other burning and almost knife-cutting pain appeared randomly in my 'breasts'. I did several ultrasounds and none showed anything abnormal other than enlarged lymph nodes and my gyno which had been there since a teenager. Eventually the fear began disappearing. However, during that time I noted that indeed my brain fog that accompanied me during the previous year and a half had lifted and my short term memory, although very bad, wasn't as bad as it was pre-estradiol. Aside from that, I didn't have any sexual improvement but that cognitive improvement convinced me that there was more.
During winter, I began having pelvic floor pain, which hadn't occured to me before. I didn't pay too much attention. Just that I found some information about estradiol causing prostatitis and that pain. But I was still kind of more obsessed with the breast-armpit side effects, so I just left it and eventually disappeared.
On March 15 i began a second trial, but this time I didn't use patches. I just did high TRT or mild cycle which began with 200 mg T per week in divided doses, but I left the T to aromatize freely. Just as the few weeks I had did the same back in February 2012 when for one single night I recovered my full sexuality and then it disappeared forever, which I attribute to the introduction of arimidex since I was having swollen ankles -back then, I repeat, 2012.
After a month, the swollen and painful lymph nodes returned, however, guess what? It began to work. For the first time in 8 years, I began to have nocturnal erections, and not some days, but daily. Other times where I did T cycles but always using arimidex, I didn't had that effect. And not only that. Although libido as it is didn't show up, I began to think about women more frequently, think about one specific person and then as I knew that it was impossible to have a relationship with her because she's married, I too began thinking daily on the idea of contacting other girls on the web.
However, as my lymph nodes got swollen, I immeadiately did tests to know specifically the levels I had attained: estradiol at 95 pg/ml (range 11-44), total T at 9.4 ng/ml (range 1.75-7.8) but... to my shocking surprise, after living with a non existent free T value since I acquired PSSD, and after it increased somewhat for the first time during my first trial last year, this time my free T was 101.1 (range 4.45-42). I didn't test anything else except IGF-1, which was within range but on the upper side. I should have done.
I didn't imagine that my free T would reach a value like that, much less in just one month, so I began to tapper down. My hematocrit was elevated and my HDL plummeted, so it really wasn't safe that. I also added arimidex once again in micro doses and every week I repeated tests. I really turned to be an overresponder to arimidex and that explains to myself a lot of my previous and failed experiments with T. Some days my E2 came back as low as 4, others it was 60, 45, as I continued to slowly tapped down. Then i became extremely ill at the beginning of May and had to tapper more quickly. It was apparently a gastrointestinal infection but i don't know, since as I have stated before i'm not fine regarding the digestive tract, and I was having a lot of blood in my stool -bad, since i know T promotes colon cancer. By the way, my daily erections and daily thinking about women stopped as this 'infection' began. I had chronic nausea during the next two months. But the worse par wasn't that.
The pelvic pain returned with a vengeance, and it has been steadily increasing week by week, day by day. I now have to go to pee several times during day and night. But the breast issues that scared me initially are nothing compared to what I found during the past month. There are lots of experiments done in male rats where they used the combination of E2 and T. Every single study that accounts that, tells that there is a 100% incidence of aggressive prostate cancer in rats treated with both hormones, and even more, all of those tumors arose from what is called the periurethral ducts, which I found don't elevate PSA, and my PSA is as low as it was 6 years ago. I now feel really, really sentenced to a horrible death if I don't commit suicide soon. Prostate cancer scares me a lot more than breast cancer due to its direct relationship with my PSSD damaged reproductive system, and because it can be more tricky to diagnose until it's too late in many cases. I don't know what to do, anything. I was welll aware of the thromboembolism and breast cancer risks, but I never imagined that the prostate too was affected by estradiol but worse by high E2 + T together. I was using aspirin to reduce the thromboembolism risk, and I counted on SERMs to counter any other breast-armpit issues. But regarding the prostate...
I have prostate-urethral-groin pain all day and night now. I have had appointments with two urologists. The first didn't said much, although he performed an ultrasound at office, he just said that I had prostatitis and enlarged prostate, and the second one asked me to go on my own for another ultrasound and it indeed showed that I have both prostatitis and prostatic enlargement -I don't know if calling it benign at this time. To add to my fears, there appear to be several calcified lesions which the interpretation calls amyloid body calcifications. But the experiments in rats mentioned that there were both prostatitis with lesions and enlargement. I'm terrified. And those experiments said that the rats developed precancerous lesions at 13 weeks and full cancer at 36 weeks. My two experiments, although they were not constant, combined lasted 22 weeks. And I don't know which one was worse for my prostate. In the first one, I don't know what hormonal values resulted from the combined 4 patches and two full injections of T -I guess they were two injections, but I don't remember well. In this second one I began with 200 mg a week (of T), but given my super high free T, it is for sure that my DHT, implicated in the prostatic enlargement, should have been very high.
I'm now sure that I am doomed. The second urologist told me that those calcified lesions mean nothing related to what I did -I told him everything-. He suggested taking finasteride among other things, but that would be a huge blow to an already misserable life. And additionally, I researched and found that finasteride can induce high grade prostate cancer in the longer term and also increases the risk of breast cancer. And maybe I already have cancer, I am sure of it given the continued increase in pain and counting the results in rats. I have tested my PSA twice a month apart, and the second back came even lower than the first. I'm really obsessed now.
The urologist said that either if I want or don't want to take finasteride, I should be doing PSA tests and ultrasound from now on every 6 months. It will be a nightmare, a true nightmare to live just to wait for the moment when a cancer can be diagnosed, maybe when it has spread.
I really am lost. And my hormone levels are down to hypogonadism, with total T below range and E2 at 35, which is a high ratio which in turn is bad to the prostate as I know.
I now am sure that estradiol could be the cure, if it was not a killer substance by itself. It is not a viable option, until someday a SERM or something similar, with all the goods and none of the bads can be developed. I even found some studies saying that estradiol and/or raloxifene have been tested for schizophrenia and they have had some benefit for the negative symptoms too, which as I said in the past and not only me, they are so similar to PSSD affective and cognitive issues. I'm now sure that it was not sertraline that did my initial damage to me back in 2011, but my impulsive proviron -DHT analogue- use in late 2010, which killed the estradiol in my brain for about 3 months before restarting my hormone axis and almost immeadiately began with sertraline.
I guess this could be one of the last times I write here, since it is obvious that experimentation and everything is over for me, forever. I may die, or I may be receive a second castration from finasteride or maybe other antiandrogen drugs. Sorry for writing more about my prostate problems than about the experiment results . During the last weeks I have been just obsessed with the idea on how to accept the fact that I may be dead soon without having everknown how does love, sex, a kiss, a cuddle feel.