Currently working with doctors for first time and really worried

[Wantmyclitorisback]

Thanks. I don't think she deals with PSSD, but at the moment I don't really want the doctors to consider that. I want them to rule out every physical and psychological cause first. I wouldn't want to miss anything - I assume there's a lot of things that can cause problems down there and I just want to be reassured that we've covered all bases.

[control]

Hello, did you have the CT scan of the spinal cord yet? What is the result?

[Wantmyclitorisback]

I saw the physio this week and I feel like we pretty much agreed my back is fine. No obvious signs of spinal involvement, but I need to have a follow up in three months to check that symptoms have fully abated. They're more worried about the loss of sensation in the bowel than anywhere else because that's of greater medical significance, but that's got better. He wants to keep a check on things anyway. I don't think there's spinal involvement in the genitals because I still have certain types of sensation there like pain. I've been trying to narrow down the precise way I'm feeling down there and I think I'm coming to the conclusion that the felt lack of sensation is actually a lack of physiological arousal (even in the presence of psychological arousal) and I think it only affects the clitoris and labia because I feel my vagina lubricates and expand.

Feeling extremely upset about it at the moment. I think largely because the rest of my life is dog shit too - no partner, nobody even wants to fuck me anymore so no hope of a partner, barely even have any friends left because everyone else has moved into other phases of their lives, nothing to look forward to. Just feel old and past it and like my body has given up on me entirely. Can't even have a wank FFS.

Sorry, you may have caught me at a bad time!

[control]

Thanks for the update. At least it sounds like the spine is fine. Though I sometimes wonder if they can detect very small spinal or neurological fractures.
Unfortunately, it also doesn't need to be in the spine as such, but can also be in one of the branching nerves. But luckily your examinations continue.
And I guess bad times are normal here.
Maybe you can give a low to moderate dose of Huperzine supplement a try. It temporarily increases Acetylcholine, which is supposed to be mostly good for memory, but it can also slightly boost sensory input and arousal.

[Wantmyclitorisback]

Thanks. I've decided to pay an extortionate amount and take an 8 hour round trip to see a private ob/gyn/psychosexual consultant. I think I'm probably at the point that my despair over this and, in particular, not knowing for certain what's wrong is really harming my quality of life and it's worth the money to go private rather than wait on the NHS. I've got a five week wait to see her but I'm hoping at the very least she can give me a little anatomy lesson on how everything works down there and in the brain so I've got a story I can tell myself about what happened and whether or not it can be resolved.

I've been thinking tonight about how much of my life has felt like a sequence of compromises. Ten years ago I left therapy wanting to make big changes. I got a new job, left my boyfriend and started trying to create the "normal " life I previously didn't think I could have - husband and dog and 2.5 kids etc. Since then I've been compromising. No partner to buy a house with so ok, I'll buy a house myself. It made me feel sad but I figured in a couple of years I'd sell up and move in with the partner I was yet to meet. But then there was a pandemic so that timeline got pushed along - OK, compromised on that too. Got the dog I wanted by myself instead, but she turned out to be highly reactive and the experience was pretty stressful and isolating for a couple of years. OK, compromised on that too. Now getting towards the age that being single means it's unlikely I'll have kids - ok, that's incredibly tough, but at least i could have a good relationship? Then I get off the pills because I'm worried my lack of sexuality is making it harder for me to find a partner and find out the sexual feeling never came back. It just feels like my life is some massive game of "fortunately, unfortunately" and this feels like a compromise too far. Ten years ago I went out to try and build what is really quite a basic life - the life everyone else I know has - and every part of it has been stripped away. How am I supposed to find any kind of pleasure?

I guess I feel like if this doctor can find a way to bring the sensation back then at least I'd have something.

[Wantmyclitorisback]

I have experienced an increase in clitoral sensation over the last couple of weeks to the point I am now able to masturbate the way I used to before Sertraline (a humping action without a vibrator). It is not back to normal but I had in my mind a kind of milestone of being able to feel pleasure through humping as I know that a month ago I felt nothing when I tried this, so there has been an objective improvement in this sense. Another improvement has been that there has definitely been an improvement in my ability to maintain arousal - previously it felt like a very 'flat' experience but recently I have felt a building of pleasure. I have also noticed a more substantial arousal response to sexual fantasies - an aching in the clitoris and feelings that my vagina is readying for sex.

Remaining issues are that I am not able to orgasm through this form of stimulation yet and I get a burning sensation in my clitoris after stimulating in this way. I have to finish off with a vibrator, but I have noticed orgasm is improved too.

Other remaining issue is lack of physical feelings of 'horniness', though I maintain a psychological interest in sex. I don't think I have intrusive thoughts of sex like I used to, it's more like I'm choosing to think about it - sometimes because it's a fun thing to think about, but other times out of anxious 'checking' behaviour. I've noticed that I have an increasing fear that if I don't think about sex and try to stimulate then it will disappear forever.

Related to that last point, and of interest to people on this forum, these changes have coincided with a definite relapse in the illness I was initially prescribed sertraline for - severe anxiety. I am living in torture at the moment, convinced that I'm experiencing an early menopause and my body has given up on me and is shutting down. Convinced I'm too late to find a partner, too late to have a family, my life is over etc - which only further convinces me that I'm going through menopause (it wouldn't even be called menopause at my age, it would be called premature ovarian failure, and it's exceedingly unlikely given normal ovary function when tested last year. But that's anxiety for you!)

So right now I'm living in a nightmare, psychologically. I'm being tortured by my thoughts and feelings from the moment I wake up in the morning. I don't want to take SSRIs again, though. Its not just about the sex, it's the feeling that - though extremely anxious - I feel like I'm awake again and 'me' again. At the moment I prefer the torture to the anaesthesia.

[Wantmyclitorisback]

Also, I didn't say last time, but I had a reassuring experience when I was at the physio session in that the physio was...ahem.... attractive, and I noticed. Despite the fact I was there to talk about ridiculously embarrassing things I then got that psychological tunnel vision you get when your sex drive is triggered and you become basically obsessed with that goal - almost like a kind of minor delusion. I genuinely believed for a good 20 minutes in there that there was an enjoyable tension between us and he wanted me as much as I wanted him. In hindsight, this seems unlikely (lol), but it's reassuring in that it's the kind of minor delusion I remember from the pre-Sertraline days where the mind becomes very goal oriented around sexual stimuli. Its also reassuring because it was spontaneous, not primed. I didn't go in there thinking about sex, but was provoked to think of it by my sexual attraction to this guy. I didn't feel anything in my genitals, but I'm pretty sure there were some changes in bloodflow to my face (flushing in the lips and cheeks). So anyway.... that was reassuring.

[Wantmyclitorisback]

So I should be feeling positive right now because I just managed to masturbate to orgasm by humping for the first time in six years and it didn't burn afterwards.

But I have such a negative bias that I'm upset by suspicions that my vulva is dry and I still needed to use more direct pressure than I used to need.

I feel like I hate this part of my body and I'm really angry at the moment and feel desperate for my life to change. I need to be able to go back to having sex and being part of society again. I'm worried that I'll ruin sex for myself when I finally get the chance because I'll be so focused on what I can't feel rather than what I can.

I keep getting UTIs and telling myself it's because I have an old woman's vag.

I realise I'm just ranting into the ether at this point. I'm so lonely and so desperate. I just want it all to end.