Finities-infinities intro. Very strong enormous anhedonia.

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finities infinities
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Re: Finities-infinities intro. Very strong enormous anhedonia.

Unread post by finities infinities »

Unfortunately, I had to go back to 500 mg carbamazepine today. I don't feel any improvement yet, it's tragic, I'm tired of too rational raw perception and I am thinking about exhausting the combination, again they relate to photos on instagram, we now have nice autumn landscapes in my city, the thought of photographing them in an interesting way immediately caused that thoughts attacked me , the real reality telling me that all this does not make sense, it's just a form that the combination of arrangements and scenery can become exhausted.
I have prescribed to naltrexone for upregulate Mu Opioid. Could I try it? Because it can't take it anymore.
I really want to get back to this ,,unrational" ,,magical" ,,naive" illusion of the world, those "rose collored glassed" in which other people live. I feel such a strong separation from the outside world, from people, from everything, not participating in rare events, as if I were separated by glass, making the world appear to me as a flat drawing through which life escapes my fingers.
lukejimmy
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Re: Finities-infinities intro. Very strong enormous anhedonia.

Unread post by lukejimmy »

Don't forget how good life was before the drugs when the derealization and the anhedonia brings you down, just remember that the way you see the world now is the result of a false artificial perception caused by a synthetic drug and that it is possible to figure out a way to reverse these hellish chemical effects as long as week sustain our determination and resilience to go back to the way we used to feel before, because keeping hope for a cure is much better then our alternatives.
finities infinities
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Re: Finities-infinities intro. Very strong enormous anhedonia.

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I recently thought of some 5ht7 agonist. I always got bad symptoms from a 5ht7 antagonist. As for my libido, it has been 100% lost again in recent days, I feel like amisulpride again - my empathy, irritable and morality is jumping over the roof, this is the time when I hate people and all trauma and desire for revenge comes to the fore. And at the same time I would like to protect all good people like my mother ( or my child in future) against the evil of this world.
finities infinities
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Re: Finities-infinities intro. Very strong enormous anhedonia.

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I would like to mention one more thing, because I don't know if I wrote about it. But exactly 2 years ago when I got my carbamazepine PAWS I experienced very strong rebound erections. Earlier, being healthy my erections were weaker, but my libido was much higher, which meant that I did not have a serious problem with it, strongly excited, erotic stimuli were able to easily cause my erection. Unfortunately, when I got PAWS, all the stimuli that had excited me so far became quite bland, dead, I experienced strong anhedonia, and a before month ( 15.09.17) being on a high dose of carbamazepine I was with my friend in the mountains feeling like a god and feeling the unique magical atmosphere of the place, admiring the nature and clouds in the sky. :)
finities infinities
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Re: Finities-infinities intro. Very strong enormous anhedonia.

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It is very noticeable that my condition is always the worst in the morning, when I get up - then my overthinking and thoughts are the most worrying and impossible to control.
For example, story from today. I have a break soon, because we have the day of the dead in Poland. I always go to my family home on this occasion, eat pumpkin soup with croutons and enjoy the beauty of autumn. Well, I had such a visualization that I want to celebrate it and take some nice photos of autumn and pumpkin. And it started - I imagined how I was taking this picture, and what would be next year if I would like to have such a picture again in a different combination - I will be exhausting more and more possibilities. I feel that and that the world is a limited set of shapes and forms. And the rambler from this world, choose everything carefully so that there is always something to be done in the future to the last days of life. In the end, he will run out of everything and do nothing new.
Well, I had such a visualization that I want to celebrate it and take some nice photos of autumn and pumpkin. And it started - I imagined how I was taking this picture, and what would be next year if I would like to have such a picture again in a different combination - I will be exhausting more and more possibilities. In the end, he will run out of everything and do nothing new. Then turns on a part of the brain that is trying to somehow alleviate this brutal truth that it is not so bad that in fact every year has its own different climate, that it is set in a different time dimension only I do not feel it and that is why I think that the world is so one-dimensional , devoid of ,,climate" like a rendered computer game.
But the brutal reality wins, which causes him to get a panic attack.
What else can I write? I always have a strong anhedon and intolerance of sounds in the morning, I can't listen to music because everything annoys me only when the evening comes, the music becomes more tolerable and sometimes I get windows, my thoughts of ,,running out of things, and that the world is a limited set of shapes and forms." become more blurry, the exception is to go for workout - then the condition worsens even more.
finities infinities
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Re: Finities-infinities intro. Very strong enormous anhedonia.

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I met my parents today because they came to college to bring me home for the day of the dead. And the conversation turned to religious topics. My parents are very irrational and very Catholic, they talked about wafer and all these church rites. I was shocked at what quilting and superstition I talk to, as if they were in psychosis and delusional. After carbamazepine PAWS, I have become extremely rational, scientific, raw and analytical. I laugh and tell my parents that they need an antipsychotic medicine that will allow them to open their eyes, get off those utopian fantasies and see the brutal reality.( like me after carbamazepine PAWS).
I think what I wrote will give you an idea. In addition, when we get home we always pass a place with a funny name, I once thought that it is my mother's hometown, because from the outside it is often not visible that I am in a bad mental state, only pretending a sense of humor. Because of that my thoughts attacked me right away. I immediately thought how it was the previous time we traveled and what combination of words and expression I used when I talked to my mother, I felt a strong anxiety that in my life the expression and combination of words may be exhausted, then we know rationalization and an attempt to calm down that everything has a different time dimension . It is impossible to live like an antipsychotic - a brutal reality that is unacceptable, and this hellish "excessive intelligence". I feel that everyone around me is much stupid, less accurate and less notice, more magical, irrational. I really envy them, because I was once much more normal and I could relax and enjoy the "magic of life". I'm fed up with the constant tension and the fight of flight state with panic heart beat, sweating by body and hot flashes in my neck ( with cold hand and feet of course).
finities infinities
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Re: Finities-infinities intro. Very strong enormous anhedonia.

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Sometimes I seem to be a bit better today, so it always does 2 weeks because I constantly take the same dose of buspirone. What is this about? Today I started to have quite a strong flashback in all this bad condition, the memory of old periods began to be so intense that, as if, "tried to color" this dead world, but still not enough to erase my anhedonia and thoughts of exhaustion. I wonder what will happen in a few days, when the flashbacks will intensify, I am more and more tearful because of it. But that's good because when I was healthy it was easier for me to bring out emotions such as sincere crying and sincere joy.
Through my flashbacks, I feel that I am constantly moving into different past periods of my life. I don't know, is this good or is it the beginning of something better?
My libido is actually zero, I had genital morning numbness, I don't have morning wood recently. I noticed that the genital numbness was completely reversed after high doses of pilocarpine (muscarinic agonist) which tryed two weeks ago.
finities infinities
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Re: Finities-infinities intro. Very strong enormous anhedonia.

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Yesterday I ended my relationship with another person. (Third) I would like to mention a little about my relationship problems. I'm in disarray, but not because I only regret that this person turned out to be another animal that cares only about sex. It is always the same and the same reason for parting. The person who is with me always feels a lot less empathy for me and attachment but a strong animal sexual arousal, but it is the opposite for me, I always attach quickly and firmly, I fall in love but I do not feel sexual desire, I do not feel sexual needs. To be honest, sex might not exist for me. He was always strange and animal to me.
Life in this sex addicted society is terrible and I feel that I will not find anyone, and I value relationships with other people - friendly, romantic.
I now live in a constant trauma to sex, even I do not know whether it is a matter of PSSD or my sensitivity and the fact that I have always been hit by highly sexual beings. I have noticed that high sexuality always goes hand in hand with: liberal, narcissism, machiavellist and psychopath. I see these traits in other people, see how they are shallow, they think only about themselves, only sex and money count for them. That other people are not emotionally connected to others, or that it is much more difficult and they have much less emotional empathy and sensitivity than I do.
Because of this, I feel excluded from society, I feel a strong dysphoria by being in this world. I think it's better if I wasn't there. Because to be happy you have to be emotionally handicapped hypersexual psychopaths. Such are, for example, men, creatures very simple, without emotions, as if robots thinking only about sex and money and how to show off your masculinity by a woman. And women excite it. I do not want to live in such a world, I have very few friends, and I am afraid that I will lose them, that I will go on them. Only who I trust is my mum. That's why I still live in a medicine that she will one day die and stay alone in this emotionless, hypersexual world. That is why sex began to remind me of something disgusting and I feel disgusted about it - it is promoted as something bad and immoral. The image of femme-fatale is promoted, i.e. how a woman destroys men with her sexuality and meanness at the same time, and emotionless hypersexual macho with steroid muscles and very vulgar vocabulary. These are also people, sex, cigarettes, alcohol, snobbery light life, without reflection that you can hurt someone. On-demand abortion is promoted, ( NY is good example and celebrities), which also shows a lack of empathy, attachment and suffers greatly. My mother, when she was pregnant, had very difficult conditions and thought about abortion, which made me more sensitive about it.
My body actual is icy, very vasoconstricted , very cold hand, feet and penis, and my heartbeat is very fast, panic like.
finities infinities
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Re: Finities-infinities intro. Very strong enormous anhedonia.

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Today I was driving a few hours back to college. My condition always gets worse when I drive a car, I don't know if this is related to motion sickness or just movement. But when I'm in the car for a long time, a substance that makes me feel bad is released. I got such an attack upon arrival, with headaches and nausea, very strong empathy that my mum gave me 800 mg of valerian root again. It is now evening and it is slightly calmer but I get tired of severe headaches and nausea. As if I had cotton wool in my head.
My libido is zero, I have no reaction to visual stimuli, it is terrible. I want to hide in my account and escape from this hypersexual world that does not accept and destroys people like me.
finities infinities
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Re: Finities-infinities intro. Very strong enormous anhedonia.

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I found some interesting studies that can be a clue. Which also agrees with my reaction to caffeine and carbamazepine.
I very bad reaction to caffeine because caffeine work opposite to carbamazepine, probably increase my PAWS symptoms.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6695599/ - in this article is info that carbamazepine is A2A agonist and caffeine is A2A antagonist.
It is possible that one of the problems is A2A downregulation by chronic carbamazepine.
I'm looking further. I found that A2A receptor creates heteromers with D2 receptor. Risperidone was strong D2 antagonist.
I feel very bad actually.
I have tragic thoughts and scenarios about the death of my siblings and how time is running out quickly and I'm still stuck in anhedonia.
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