A paladin of PSSD hurt me to death

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OCDemon
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Re: A paladin of PSSD hurt me to death

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anacleta wrote: Wed Aug 03, 2022 4:49 pm
OCDemon wrote: Wed Aug 03, 2022 12:11 pm...
thank you for telling your story, it is terrifying but also interesting to see where and how PSSD has crept in over the course of life. Perhaps there are not a few cases where PSSD (or similar syndrome) comes on people who were already suffering a lot and for a long time. hurts that add up to more hurts, maybe after the illusion of having found a way to get better, here comes the "punishment". the feeling may be that you don't deserve any happiness. when things are uncontrollable and it goes the worst way I get the feeling that "god" doesn't love me
you are the first one I read who describes a side of the coin of loss of sexuality and emotionality that is not totally negative in comparison with previous suffering.
did you ever have feelings of vivid resentment for that ex of yours, ideas of making her pay, or was flattened by Rexulti?


for me this latest affair fits into the larger picture where it seems that I cannot find solace or healing.

I hoped that my emotional potential and sensitivity would be the tool with which to heal my wounds

I had a mirage of someone in whom so many meaningful things converged and I invested so much of my interiority at some point I felt that he could have tremendous beneficial power over me, which I cannot recreate on my own, but it was in the moment that he was deceiving me.

this affair could teach me that my affectivity and sensitivity is something worth throwing in the garbage. it is what made me fail in life, what gave me childhood traumas that were never overcome, what caused me to lose my most important affections with following feelings of mourning and guilt, self-isolation and depression, what led me to take psychotropic drugs and PSSD, and, since I was not already ruined enough, it was also something to be made fun of at 34.

but I would not want to lose it now, i am more tempted to embrace my affectivity and make that flight together...into the garbage
Rexulti flattened it. I was more mad thinking about her sleeping with other men. And that anger was mostly because she was a hypocrite: shaming me ruthlessly for going on Porn on my phone, shaming me for masturbating by myself, etc. She basically completely controlled my sexuality and wanted to possess me, while claiming she loved me, and while I have no solid proof, she's alluded multiple times to sleeping with other men and it drove me crazy. The Rexulti did flatten that and for the past several years I haven't felt any rage but I do feel the occasional pang of anger or jealousy, so maybe my emotions are still coming back online.

I'm going to be 33 this year, so we're similar in age. I've had similar experiences. The sensitivity is a vulnerability. However, I choose to not dispose of it, but to keep it more private. I'm much more careful about who I get personally involved with, which at the moment means no one except one of my best friends who I've known for 18 years. I've tried making new friends and was harshly judged many times for "choosing" to stay in this broken relationship.

When you're sensitive, you're vulnerable to abuse, and then anyone you go to for help, or to just talk or vent, will also judge you and victim blame you. "Well, it's your fault for choosing this person." And things like that. As if we weren't already aware of the choices we've made, but the whole point is that the childhood traumas and vulnerabilities cloud our judgment and also make us feel shame for literally anything we decide.

Anyway. For me it's a mixed bag. I still have libido, to an extent, though it isn't what it used to be, and ejaculation is more unsatisfying and depressing than it is satisfying. A lot has changed. And again, it doesn't help that my ex is the only girl I've had sex with, so I bonded very strongly to her.

It is very unfair, as you say. Like we live our whole lives being deprived, then finally find what we're looking for, but the source is poisoned. And then our lives are ruined more than they were before. Hope feels like it's been completely taken away.

I haven't given up yet. What medication were you on, and how long have you had PSSD? I'm going on 3 years myself, since stopping Rexulti, but if you include the fact that I had the negative effects as soon as I started it, it's been over 3 years by now for me.
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anacleta
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Re: A paladin of PSSD hurt me to death

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OCDemon wrote: Thu Aug 04, 2022 1:16 pm What medication were you on, and how long have you had PSSD? I'm going on 3 years myself, since stopping Rexulti, but if you include the fact that I had the negative effects as soon as I started it, it's been over 3 years by now for me.
citalopram 10 months, sexual dysfunction 9 yrs :|
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anacleta
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Re: A paladin of PSSD hurt me to death

Unread post by anacleta »

People who tend to become victims of emotional manipulation are usually people of marked sensitivity, very close to the needs of others, emotionally fragile or insecure (but not necessarily), endowed with high empathic capacity, fear loneliness and are afraid of being abandoned, idealize others with ease, do not want to disappoint others, and need to give a consistently positive self-image. The above traits are commonly found in dependent personality disorder (DPD), and it is not uncommon for people with depression to have manipulative relationships.

and he, from whose lips I used to hang, with whom I used to talk about the misbehavior of the psychiatrists of the world, as if he were better and special, what does he do seeing these personality traits? he who empathy, sensitivity, and sincerity has long since lost them or perhaps never possessed them, instead of feeling tenderness for me as I dreamed he thought of abusing my emotionality, as a pedophile does with the innocence of a child.

I had a blood draw several years ago with a young doctor. i was immediately anxious and he must have noticed it. i was not watching the insertion of the needle and the drawing of blood, i was with my face turned and hoping it would be over as soon as possible. but i feel a horrible sensation when he moves the needle this way and that way from the vein, making me wince several times. i think he's not catching it, and i tell myself to be patient, poor guy, he'll make it. but it was strange at one point, and then in between moans i look at him, and realize that he wasn't there struggling with my vein, he had his eyes lifted to look at me with a sadistic smirk, he was enjoying seeing my reactions of suffering at his hands.


- "you don't have to answer me", "you can tell me to stop" I would add after certain messages, as if I had a need to express certain things to him but at the same time I didn't want to disturb him or put him in trouble
- "you've always been fair to me", "you haven't done anything wrong to me", I would tell him as I suffered from the ambiguity of the situation, as if I wanted to reassure him about qualms he might have for me
- "sorry if I put you or you put yourself in a role that doesn't belong to you," I blamed myself
- "i've never felt so borderline before" i communicated to him a couple of times while being surprised by my own unstable moods. he didn't care about that (he was probably aware and amused that he had triggered it)
- "I want to put myself in my place for a few words that are understandable and sincere", I asked him several times when I was in too much pain, only to be told that we had to stay in ambiguity longer.
- then the non-answer going on and on about "serious problems too complicated to explain" (which i later found out were just lies). meanwhile i cried in pain for two days coming to think that he had serious health problems that he didn't want to tell me about so as not to traumatize me. how funny, so as not to traumatize me. always this self-conviction that he was taking care of me underneath, in some mysterious and wise way that he knew, when it was just the opposite. i had so much compassion and sorrow for him during those days and just wished he was okay. i could only overcome this prospect by confronting someone else and finding out that he had lied to me.
- the idea that he had some emotional difficulty still dawns on me, as my stubborn need to find in him a kind of humanity--that doesn't belong to him. from before to after, he just carried on his own game as a narcissistic old man with no conscience. and far be it from him to have any sense of guilt. to have any scruples for someone like this is to give pearls to swine.
- when he asked me for favors I felt honored because he made me feel important. after capturing other people's trust and feelings, he is capable of exploiting people as "slaves," I discovered that he is this kind of person.
- and to think that, as much as I was beguiled, it would have been enough to catch one authentic detail (or that I thought it was) that aroused my empathy, to forgive him everything else. that detail did not come, just as well, impossible by now to think of authenticity on his part.
- when I expressed the thought that he did not want to hurt me, he said nothing
- when I was angry and blamed him, he said nothing
- when I apologized because I felt guilty, he said nothing
- and when I told him that his attitude was making me seriously ill and it would only take a few words to curb this madness, he didn't bat an eye.

because for this son of a b it is too funny that a person like me who has suffered for almost her whole life and thought she could find solace in him, after esteeming and even defending him for years, is being mocked and made to suffer to the point of suicide. why make it clear that there is no room for her? i am a psychiatrist and i know how to use manipulation techniques, look how they work, how funny.
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anacleta
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Re: A paladin of PSSD hurt me to death

Unread post by anacleta »

the dynamics (if you are another woman among us please write to me)

he spends hours of the day sending emails. it's not surprising at all if he responds quickly to an email from you. when someone enters his environment, particularly women, he will try to engage them, hurl appreciations for things that have been helpful and supportive to him and flattering phrases (e.g., "i'd love to meet you someday", "you're amazing"). then observe if they make the other side take. something akin to grooming online.

often this attitude is aimed at vulnerable, suffering people with low self-esteem and little social network, who will be impressed by the consideration that comes to them from a "renowned" doctor to whom they are grateful, and will be motivated to give more.

creation of an ambiguous context. he allows and incentivizes the development of deeper and deeper transference feelings, does not give reality directions (which would be necessary out of respect in order to prevent the enormous suffering later, all doctors know this), rather, leaves crumbs and encouragement, welcomes romantic and erotic messages to which he gives gentle feedback.

he uses plausible deniability, for example by mixing a "seriously" with a playful message. plausible deniability will allow him at the appropriate time to deny your perception of what it was, to cover his ass. in fact, he already has a partner in life, but he carefully avoids mentioning it because that would be a limitation to his games.

the benefits he gets by taking advantage of other people's feelings are narcissistic, professional favors and tasks. many women at the time they were in this position helped him by doing free work, supporting his work with donations and word of mouth, spreading the word on social media, etc. when faced with someone pointing out to him that it is not right to exploit feelings by deluding that they are reciprocated, his covert response is "master-slave relationships." this also indicates that there is absolutely no displeasure and guilt for others' hurt feelings: he is perfectly aware and abusive.

women who end up in contact with this individual may be fragile personalities who have already been abused and/or hurt by people or drugs, and may see him exactly as a special man/doctor who unlike the others is righteous, correct, saving. women who may have low self-esteem will have their self-perception challenged and be confused about the value to be placed on themselves and in relation to him ("borderline" effect).

the ambiguity of the situation and the feelings that have become intense may result in great pain in the "caught" woman (see Breadcrumbing) who may at some point need more clarity. upon asking for it, he will not grant it, as if there is really nothing to clarify. his reaction may be Ghosting practiced with extreme coldness and indifference in the face of the suffering of a person he was coddling, appreciating, and deluding just a short time before. he will deny any human recognition of her feelings (pain, confusion, anger, guilt, sorrow, lack, affection, disbelief, etc.) leaving her at the mercy of these feelings.

although in the moment of the exchange and friendship relationship he seems to have a genuinely beneficial and helpful role in the lives of other people, the incredible indifference and cynicism with which he ends the relationship when a sincere confrontation is required reveals that even the previous phase was in fact subjected to abusive dynamics on his part. let us remember that this is a psychiatrist well capable of recognizing and directing ties and attachments. the insensitivity with which he confronts the sincere pain of those he had deluded, after having cared for them for some time, appears at that point something sadistic and deeply sick, which has shocking, traumatizing repercussions on the women who had relied on him, on whom they had channeled so many important meanings (attributing value to themselves, being useful to someone/something good, feelings of care, love and trust...) and of whom they had sometimes made the center of their universe.
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