A paladin of PSSD hurt me to death

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anacleta
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A paladin of PSSD hurt me to death

Unread post by anacleta »

i want to leave this message in the wind because i can't know if there are currently people, particularly women, to whom i can direct it more directly, and there might be as i have been.

i have spent many years consistently engaging in outreach activities on pssd, and especially supporting the initiatives of a certain blog

i did it mainly driven by feelings more than by practical usefulness: of gratitude and esteem i had for that certain person, feelings that evolved into affection, desire for tenderness and even eroticism, because i felt held in high esteem since he involved me, encouraged me and showed appreciation.

I always expressed to him what was happening to me and he did not put brakes on nor did he ever give a direction of reality. what he did was to let me delude myself heavily, to the point of partly indulging my feelings which were based on imagination rather than on his real person.

at the moment when I was suffering from this whole ambiguous situation and felt that he had messed up my ideas and I needed to clear my head, what he did was ghosting.

after feeling pampered and cared, his absurd indifference to my every feeling and the pain caused by the ambiguity caused me anguish and thoughts of suicide.

I hoped he was the best thing the PSSD shit had brought me and instead I now have to hope to overcome this further dehumanising trauma.

The question is: how is it possible, why did he do it?

after months of terrifying limbo, i came to the answers:

- he accepted my romantic messages (I worried that I was out of place and that he couldn't send me away for fear of hurting me, what a poor deluded girl) for his own amusement, without any scruples about the consequences on me
- took advantage of it to ask me for favours
- when I wanted clarity, with his silence he covered his ass by denying that anything serious had been triggered in me, but he knew very well what had happened to me

I should point out that I am a person in a vulnerable condition, I have been through several traumas and not only pssd, low self-esteem, lack of affection, depression, loneliness, isolation... and he knew all that.

i repeat: he knew all that. he realised everything.
you know, you don't need explicit active violence to be unfair, disloyal, insensitive, cruel, sadistic, profiteering, despicable, without respect and without decency.

if you get a sense of gratitude for a psychiatrist 'paladin of pssd', get over it: he is not a hero, he does not follow the values he professes, he is just working, his heart is not in it.

he listens to you because you are interesting for his work, and if you help him you will be useful tools (so you treat him as a useful tool and nothing more), there is no compassion in him for your suffering. and to women I say he has no tenderness, please don't see tenderness.
arahant
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Re: A paladin of PSSD hurt me to death

Unread post by arahant »

You may benefit of Sigmund Freud's writings on "transference".

Your vent above sounded quite similar to the idea above.
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anacleta
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Re: A paladin of PSSD hurt me to death

Unread post by anacleta »

arahant wrote: Fri Jun 24, 2022 8:56 am You may benefit of Sigmund Freud's writings on "transference".

Your vent above sounded quite similar to the idea above.
you framed it perfectly, it's 100% transference, the fact that he (a psychiatrist!) made it happen and develop to such an intensity for many months, and then ghosting and denying me a rational response, is reckless and disturbing behaviour... it sounds like a recipe for driving someone to suicide, or at least that's the effect it had on me, in his indifference
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Re: A paladin of PSSD hurt me to death

Unread post by arahant »

anacleta wrote: Fri Jun 24, 2022 9:20 am
arahant wrote: Fri Jun 24, 2022 8:56 am You may benefit of Sigmund Freud's writings on "transference".

Your vent above sounded quite similar to the idea above.
you framed it perfectly, it's 100% transference, the fact that he (a psychiatrist!) made it happen and develop to such an intensity for many months, and then ghosting and denying me a rational response, is reckless and disturbing behaviour... it sounds like a recipe for driving someone to suicide, or at least that's the effect it had on me, in his indifference
Luckily, transference is a well-known and discussed subject in any psychology school...There are tons of studies, theses, and psychotherapies to handle this phenomenon, including coping.
you might benefit from discussing that with some professionals. You don't deserve to be caught in this mental trap.
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anacleta
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Re: A paladin of PSSD hurt me to death

Unread post by anacleta »

arahant wrote: Fri Jun 24, 2022 10:45 am
Luckily, transference is a well-known and discussed subject in any psychology school...There are tons of studies, theses, and psychotherapies to handle this phenomenon, including coping.
you might benefit from discussing that with some professionals. You don't deserve to be caught in this mental trap.

I was aware it was transference and he knew it too of course. I trusted him so much that I thought we were in complicity on the development of these feelings of mine
because I believed that he wanted my good and was taking care of me, i thought he would help me direct those feelings therapeutically...

I did not realise that he was playing the game like an unscrupulous narcissist and when he didn't feel like fiddling any more, he didn't give a damn about me at all
if it were up to him, I'd be in the cemetery now with the unspoken truth, after being left alone with her skull cracked open

instead I chose to ask several people including a psychotherapist, not to understand my psychological dynamics of which I am already aware
but to get confirmation that he has behaved badly, which he has done. he mocked and consciously wounded an already weak person, and that horrifies me, much worse than not having the affection returned! now the most therapeutic thing would be for everyone to know that he is a dishonest piece of s
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Re: A paladin of PSSD hurt me to death

Unread post by anacleta »

How disgusting are the people who take compliments from poor deluded and emotional people who project onto them virtues they want to see in the world? but okay, if there are a lot of these poor sentimental people who start to pay personal judgments instead of just saying "good job" or "thank you for doing it", why one would go to the trouble of bringing all these back to reality... so they will get the compliments they don't deserve and maybe they will even benefit from it.

after all, everyone knows that it is stupid to point out that one is less outstanding than what one appears... especially the scammers know this. how else to call someone who not only keeps silent about pointing out the truth in a sly way, but takes advantage of it to sow some crumbs that increase the illusion of others, delighting in arousing things into them and then asking for favors?

and when the projection of virtue is blatantly turning into deeper and deeper feelings, what should we call those who, instead of believing that out of respect and in order not to cause harm it is right and proper to give a clear tip, persists on giving you space and maintaining a game in which he is in charge, that sooner or later it will devastate you and when it happens he will wash his hands of it?
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Re: A paladin of PSSD hurt me to death

Unread post by anacleta »

things were so absurd as to be gratuitously unfair, that not only pain and doubt but also a principle of suspicion prompted me to investigate.

surprisingly, confronting someone else made me discover that what happened with me is not the first time or even the second time! in summary: other people devastated with the same dynamics. just a coincidence that this happens with the same individual?..

at first I couldn't even believe the confirmation of my own suspicion, because despite the evidence of his being in the wrong anyway the mental illusion (and attachment) is powerful, in fact any other hypothesis that could somehow exonerate him appeared in my mind.
that pisses me off so much because that's just the kind of thing that he takes advantage of

you know those door-to-door salesmen? they're friendly, polite, express esteem for you, say they believe in you (actually they use a thousand manipulative techniques) and you end up feeling almost pity and you would be sorry to disappoint him, even though you don't care about the item, you want to see him smile, you don't want him to be 'hurt', you would feel guilty. there, actually that salesman has purposely induced you to try all that and he's interested in getting as much money out of you as possible and he's told you a lot of lies about the item he's placing on you.

in this case, not dealing exactly with a door-to-door salesman I lost sight of too many things.

so even though I can now have the answer I was looking for, it does not appease me, especially since it didn't come from him who will therefore remain in the position of guilty and unrepentant dirty crook
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anacleta
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Re: A paladin of PSSD hurt me to death

Unread post by anacleta »

I recommend doing a research on these little words, you never know in life... breadcrumbing, ghosting, gaslighting, grooming
I think in countries where English is not spoken few people are aware of it

here I took some notes. these techniques are acted sometimes with certain degrees of unconsciousness and other times in a very structured and conscious way



Breadcrumbing: the preferred technique of manipulators

In Psychology, "Breadcrumbing" refers to the practice of manipulators of sending ambiguous signals to attract their victims to themselves and control them by keeping them in a state of confusion.

When you are a victim of this technique, the word slowly forming in your mind that should alarm you is "ambivalence": they instill doubt but do not concretize.

The Breadcrumber will send the partner minimal, often ambiguous and unclear signals of interest to get the other person to bond, without taking responsibility and without involving themselves in a real relationship.

Usually these signals are small expressions of interest or more or less intimate messages where the manipulator gives the impression of opening up and actually being interested in the other person.

On the other hand, the victim who receives these signals will have the illusion that the relationship could go on, and even though a part of himself knows that this romance can never evolve, she will become more and more attached.

Unaware of the real goal, the victim will become involved, develop expectations, hopes, and a real attachment, yet live in a state of constant tension.

He/she may develop an addiction to checking her cell phone to see if a message, call, or notification has arrived.

She will also be torn by guilt, wondering what phrase she said wrong, blaming herself if the other person does not hear back for days, blaming herself for everything that happens. She will try to confront emotionally without succeeding.

After having the victim bound to him/her, the Breadcrumber's most powerful weapon is precisely absence, still leaving open the possibility of reappearing even after time: he/she knows that a simple message will be enough to make him/her feel revered and wanted again.



Ghosting: when the other disappears without explanation

Speaking of ghosting refers very often to romantic relationships, in which out of the blue, without warning or explanation, one of the two partners stops answering calls and messages, becomes precisely a ghost, leaving the other to ask unanswered questions and without allowing him/her to understand or process the trauma of ending the relationship.

However, the ease of practicing ghosting does not correspond to the ease exerted in turn by the sufferer to metabolize and process the pain of "loss."

Indeed, the management of the suffering caused by a ghoster is often a cause for psychological support, where the wounded party is almost always led to wonder what fatal mistake or she may have ever made in driving the partner away.

Conscious or not, the disappearing partner implements a real strategy that allows him/her to escape any emotional involvement with respect to his/her choice to end the relationship.

The association of pain with an "unexplained" phenomenon intensifies the victim's bond with the ghoster, inevitably creating a type of emotional dependence that continues even after the relationship is ended. The ghoster almost never provides explanations and leads the victim into a state of confusion.



Gaslighting: a technique of cruel and treacherous mental manipulation

in which a person who wants to have more power chooses a victim and leads her to doubt herself and her reality, making her feel confused, wrong.
This is a very common technique among manipulators and perverse narcissists, in short among anyone who wants to create a cult of their person. To protect yourself, it is important to know their tactics: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/bl ... lationship

They often use plausible deniability as a gaslighting strategy to make you doubt your perception of reality and entirely depend on them.




then there's me

who always belittle myself and feel guilty about everything
that after reading all this I really can't get my head around the fact that there are people who really after doing harm simply don't give a damn, in fact they're still doing it
that I would still go through at least 1,000 more hypotheticals just so that I could still highlight the good that I had seen instead of a pile of dung...

what an idiot
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Re: A paladin of PSSD hurt me to death

Unread post by OCDemon »

Narcissism, yes.

My ex was a narcissist. And her breaking up with me after love bombing me, gaslighting me for 3.5 years, and discarding me, is what led to me 'breaking' and becoming so depressed that I broke my vow to never try medication again. I trusted my psychiatrist and told him I'd take whatever he thought I needed as I was so depressed over the whole ordeal I was suicidal. So he put me on Rexulti. Now about 3 years after discontinuing it, I'm practically a eunuch and will never be able to have a sexual relationship again for the rest of my life. And I thought I was depressed before.

I know your pain, trust me. The relationship was 3.5 years but she continued to rope me in for many years after that, over 7 years actually. I lost my virginity to her years ago and never had sex with another girl, and I fully believe that relationship gave me both Stockholm Syndrome and PTSD from the narcissistic abuse. Her goal was for her to be hypersexual and do whatever she wanted behind my back, while shaming my sexuality and urges and doing everything in her power to isolate me and turn me against my friends and family and destroy my self-esteem. She succeeded in that, with the unforeseen 'bonus' of indirectly completely destroying my sexuality, so now she is the only person on earth in my lifetime that I will have ever had a sexual relationship with.

What a nightmare. The only benefit is that I'm so dead to loneliness and isolation now that I genuinely don't care. In a very weird way this whole ordeal has liberated me from loneliness and desperation, because there is no physical way any longer that I can actually feel a connection to another human being on that level, ever again. It's over.

But I'm still here. I've lost everything but again, in a weird way, I feel more liberated than ever. My whole life I was lonely and desperate, I got viciously preyed upon by someone who sniffed that out and set out to destroy me. They succeeded. But I lost my loneliness and desperation in the process, which were the biggest pains in my life. So weird trade-off in the end. It was not a total loss. As strange as that sounds.

I know all of this stuff very well and have thought about it for many years. There's no way to explain narcissistic abuse to someone who hasn't experienced it. Truly mind-altering experience. But being in my early 30's and being OK with never having a relationship again, much less even just the physical act of sex, well. I'm OK with it. For now anyway. We'll see how I hold up as the years go by. Still here despite all of this.
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anacleta
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Re: A paladin of PSSD hurt me to death

Unread post by anacleta »

OCDemon wrote: Wed Aug 03, 2022 12:11 pm...
thank you for telling your story, it is terrifying but also interesting to see where and how PSSD has crept in over the course of life. Perhaps there are not a few cases where PSSD (or similar syndrome) comes on people who were already suffering a lot and for a long time. hurts that add up to more hurts, maybe after the illusion of having found a way to get better, here comes the "punishment". the feeling may be that you don't deserve any happiness. when things are uncontrollable and it goes the worst way I get the feeling that "god" doesn't love me
you are the first one I read who describes a side of the coin of loss of sexuality and emotionality that is not totally negative in comparison with previous suffering.
did you ever have feelings of vivid resentment for that ex of yours, ideas of making her pay, or was flattened by Rexulti?


for me this latest affair fits into the larger picture where it seems that I cannot find solace or healing.

I hoped that my emotional potential and sensitivity would be the tool with which to heal my wounds

I had a mirage of someone in whom so many meaningful things converged and I invested so much of my interiority at some point I felt that he could have tremendous beneficial power over me, which I cannot recreate on my own, but it was in the moment that he was deceiving me.

this affair could teach me that my affectivity and sensitivity is something worth throwing in the garbage. it is what made me fail in life, what gave me childhood traumas that were never overcome, what caused me to lose my most important affections with following feelings of mourning and guilt, self-isolation and depression, what led me to take psychotropic drugs and PSSD, and, since I was not already ruined enough, it was also something to be made fun of at 34.

but I would not want to lose it now, i am more tempted to embrace my affectivity and make that flight together...into the garbage
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